It's All In The Books I Should Read

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.  

- Author Unknown

It's strange how my week starts at 7 pm every Monday. In the class which ended a little more than six hours back the professor said we won't be doing any lab work but students will have to read some of the slides for the class so that he could talk on them and nobody sleeps. I wanted to read some; I tried to sit in a more relaxing way for sometime so that I would catch his attention prompting him to ask me to talk; for a while I tried to show that I was being very attentive in the class by moving closer to the table and putting my hands on them; neither worked. I love talking on such occasions.

After reading a friend's post on music on her blog a few days back I spent a good amount of time trying to find hadees and references from the holy Quran that prohibit music. I have not come across any verse from the holy Quran or a Sahih Hadees that music is prohibited. There are a couple of hadees that do infer a prohibition but interpretation can differ. If music indeed was such a big sin, then Allah Himself would have asked us to keep away from it by mentioning it in the holy Quran. I didn't discuss this matter with many people but read some on the Internet and had talks on it with two of my room-mate friends. I understand I am not learned enough to make big judgements but I will be glad if somebody comes up with a straight forward verse from the holy Quran or Sahih Hadees proclaiming music as sinful.

Cheating, lying and back-biting are bigger sins that must be contained and stayed away from. There are only two hadees that indirectly infer music as sinful and even if they were to be rather more direct, I am sure it's not as big a sin as cheating, lying or back-biting are. My two friends, though are from different countries than I am, were told by their parents that if they listened to music hell will treat their ears with hot wax or oil. I remember being said the same too. When I searched for arguments on music, I found this thing nowhere. I am personally against all forms of activities that take me away from Allah but I cannot accept something to be a sin only because it has some chance of doing so - if it was a sin, Allah would have mentioned it in the holy Quran. If there is anybody reading this and has direct references from the holy Quran and the hadees to guide me, I will be thankful to them. Alhamdulillah.

Four Fifty Five A M

Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
- Mark Twain

It's necessary that I read a lot so that I can write frequently and well. It's been almost a year since I have read any fiction or non-fiction book though there is no problem in accessing any of these. When I get time I sit with my laptop and sleep. Otherwise I am in the university attending some classes, at work or enjoying with my room-mate friends. It's been so much time but I am still not able to meet people here I want to visit. Timings simply don't match, I don't get enough of reasons and I prefer being more conservative.

My friends here at the university complain I don't return their calls, don't meet regularly or hardly spend any time with them. I know they understand why it's all this way. They are, I am sure, happy that there is at least somebody they know who works. With things getting tough here, internships drying up and living expenses increasing, it's a blessing to be me. But I am greedy. I don't know what makes me this. I refuse to wait for things to come to me. Many people tell there is a time for everything. I refuse to accept that. Marking for timings and placing events in them has been done by man; Allah didn't ask us to do that. There are orders from Allah and these paradigms dictated my men are against what Allah has asked for. It's a pity how decisions that mean lifetime to people are made based on money and financial status. Allah decides who gets happiness and it's source. Money doesn't decide. Money is very important though.

I came here for money. When I listen to people who say all they need is a decent enough job, a simple average life with just enough money for necessities and simple luxuries, a small family in a cozy home and a peaceful life creates a dislike for them within me. There are many questions I can ask them but I know it makes no difference. Perhaps such people are important too - if everybody started asking for more than average then it would make it difficult for people like me. I understand the intense competition. I never forget what Allah wants from me. This reminds me of a quote from a movie: "I want what all men want, I just want it more". Alhamdulillah.

Three Sticks

"I shouldn't be surprised if it hailed a good deal tomorrow", Eeyore was saying. "Blizzards and what-not. Being fine today doesn't mean anything. It has no sig - what's that word? Well, it has none of that. It's just a small piece of weather."
- The House At Pooh Corner (1928), A. A. Milne

A lecture of around 20 minutes was remaining when I left the class. My laptop's battery was almost out, I knew I wouldn't be able to finish the left over class assignments and I was sure I would be able to read through the slides to understand the left over part of the lecture. The professor was right outside the class talking on phone when I stepped out of the door. He looked at me, I thought I could at least let him know I was leaving, but he was on call and didn't respond to my eyes after the first glance and I left hoping he won't mind. I am sure he won't bother. I just have to finish all the assignments in time inshAllah.

Later I went to Walmart and bought verities of snacks. I always look for the calories marked on all stuff I buy - I go for ones that are rich in them. My room mates look for products with low numbers in them. Perhaps the mistake I did today was going for shopping with an empty stomach. I am pretty sure though I will be having a colorful diet for the coming few days inshAllah. For dinner today I cooked a curry using onions and potatoes and halfway though I added a ready-made packaged curry of okra to it to cook them together. It came out well alhamdulillah. I don't feel good keeping 'Three Sticks' as the title for this post but I need something to record a thought I have been nurturing these days and I guess it's better done this way.

It's not easy for me to recollect my days between September and December 2008. Things changed a lot since I visited Houston. Perhaps the two major factors were my driving licence and a new friend as a room mate who had preferences similar to mine. For me, good people are those who bring out the best out of me, help me keep myself satisfied and enjoy my time. I usually call my father a little before going to bed. Though we had a detailed talk for around 20 minutes when it was 12:15 pm here, he himself called me before I could make the call. It was short but like always making me relish it. Today my mother too called me before I called her - it was 11:12 pm. The afternoon talk with my parents made some difference to three of us.

Just A Small Smackeral

Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the plates and mugs; and when Rabbit said, "Honey or condensed milk with your bread?" he was so excited that he said, "Both," and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, "But don't bother about the bread, please."

- A. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh

It's a pleasant evening today. I opened the patio's door and hear birds chirping. I have little idea about the names of these small birds but their chirping is similar to sparrows or perhaps sweeter. I turned the air conditioner off to enjoy the warm breeze coming from outside. I know it's going to get cold as the night approaches so, it's best to enjoy the weather at this time of the day. Though I haven't seen how it was during the afternoon I am sure it was hot and humid. Even a temperature of 25 degrees Centigrade seems hot at times. Weather can't be trusted here. I think I hear two different kinds of birds.

My classes start again on Monday at 7 pm. I had a weak plan of going to Austin in this Spring break but all I got was two days for myself and I spent almost half of them sleeping. I wanted to spend some time with my cousin sister who lives in Austin because the last time I went there I couldn't even talk to her properly. Austin is three and a half hours drive from Dallas on I35 E South. I 35 E North ends in Denton where a close friend lives. It's not that far from here and I had been thinking of visiting him too. I tend to leave things as they are unless they challenge peace. I had been wanting to visit my father's friend's place too in Bedford but I am not sure how much longer it's going to take.

The other day somebody asked me why I was so dressed up when I was in formal clothes. I returned a smile and said nothing. I can't explain these American people here who know nothing about how it is in the rest of the world. Further more I was sure no matter how much I try I wouldn't be about to explain it to this African American lady that formal clothes are for all occasions and ask her why she believed that wearing them means to be called as being dressed up. I feel more comfortable and confident when I am in formals. I don't bother with how others dress up - it's their personal preference. They shouldn't bother with my preference unless they mean somebody to me. The time for Magrib today is 7:55 pm and Ishan is at 9:30 pm. I have a plan to take a friend to a desi store in Richardson and then for Ishan at the nearby Masjid inshAllah.

Meet

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight. 

- Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966

It's seven months since I left India. The last post I published in India on this blog was the 459th and 39 posts later I write the 499th today alhamdulillah. Though I don't particularly bother with trivial numbers, some do please me. It's not the figure that matters, it's all about what I have recorder, what I have shared, how I have responded or even reacted and how I grew. On March 31th it will be three years since I created this blog. It's not a feat, not any form of achievement that I should be proud of; it's just a number that pleases me - it also shows how alhamdulillah everybody is different; how I am different; how we all are unique - alhamdulillah.

It's 5:15 am now. I had a heavy dinner but realizing there were chicken franks in the freezer made me hungry so, I had one a few minutes back. I woke up very late in the afternoon and around 6:30 pm I asked my friend "where's the party tonight?". He has a night shift today so I knew whatever I plan with my other friends he wouldn't be there. Around 9 pm I had to decide what to do for the night, I started cooking, decided against watching the movie we were initially planning, had dinner at 10:30 pm and left for a restaurant to have hookah.

I had been thinking about having hookah for a long time - it was back in summer of 2008 when I had had it in India. My room-mate friends too were keen and we took along. After returning home around 1:25 am it struck to me that a trip to Wal-mart was due. My friend discussed with me how incredible it is to go out for shopping at 2:30 am in the morning and how his friends in Tanzania would be amused if he told them about it. Having a Wal-mart nearby is so convenient; not to forget the Tom Thumb and Super Target. Having a mosque nearby could have been awesome.

Yesterday early morning too the same person sent me a text saying "hey". At the end of a few  conversations I reminded her something: "I told you I don't make friends this way" and there was nothing from her side after that. I thought she had finally found me rude enough and wouldn't get to me again. Around 1:45 pm I received a text from her "wow". I didn't reply. She didn't try to reach me till now and I hope she doesn't. I don't know who she is, I don't want to know who she is and I don't want to be more rude. If somebody knows me, I would be glad to talk and be the best of the person I could possibly be; but I don't like anything like this. Though I never tried hard to make friends anytime, I have the best of people as my friends and the count is very large Alhamdulillah - I value them all; and I keep making good friends continually.

My contact with my friends in India has come to an all time low. I remember buying a TV video game in 8th standard which I didn't like and cried because I had wasted so much money given to me as a gift from my mother. Even since then whenever I spent any significant amount of money I always gave second thoughts and serious evaluations. I can't forget that bitter night I cried telling my parents how I was not satisfied spending those two thousand Rupees on that console. Even today I agree I shouldn't have bought that. But if I had not, I would have made several wrong decisions in the rest of my time till today and in the coming days too. I had learnt something that night - the hard way. I was too young then. Having some people talking to us daily could be so mesmerizing. I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah. Some people are still missing.

White Light

Grown-ups love figures.  When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters.  They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like?  What games does he love best?  Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand:  "How old is he?  How many brothers has he?  How much does he weigh?  How much money does his father make?"  Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.  
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943, translated from French

A few weeks back one of my room-mate friend dropped my glass cup by mistake and it broke. It was the only one left out of the six we had in my home back in India - it was more than just a cup for me. I thought it would hurt when it broke. But alhamdulillah this friend meant more to me than that cup. Ever since he joined me as my room-mate I have started enjoying my life. He became a close friend of mine, somebody I can talk a lot to and a person I can trust. I never knew I was going to meet somebody like him. I meet many people alhamdulillah who make me feel that.

I got a text message a while ago asking "text me back". I was convinced it was somebody who was mistaking me for somebody else but I asked back if I know who it was trying to talk to me. The person gave a girl's name and responded as if I know who she is. She said she found my number on MySpace for which I replied "I don't use it". I just didn't want to hurt her by being rude telling her she was wasting my time. But I did exactly that in the end.

I thought I could be polite by at least proving it to her that I am not who she was thinking me to be and so, I said she can give me her e-mail ID so that I could let her know me on Facebook. She said she doesn't use Facebook for which I said I don't use MySpace and that she was wasting my time and her time too. As a courtesy I said "goodnight". And she replied "I thought I saw a cute boy that would talk to me...". I responded "sorry about that! But I don't make friends this way".

I finally slept for more than five hours yesterday - it went upto 7 I guess but it was very disturbed. In the morning I wanted to meet my aunt and cousins who were visiting Dallas but i couldn't. It didn't make me happy. It was a tiring day with many things to see - I am not sure if what I am learning is something I am really supposed to learn. But I am satisfied alhamdulillah. I am better than many, many people here and else where.

Among the best of people I met here is my father's friend. Alongside my aunt from Houston, a cousin and an uncle here, he is the one who caused a lot of difference to my living. Everytime I talk to him, everytime I see him and hear from him I know I am safe here alhamdulillah. I remember the first time I met him - he was just like many of my father's friends who are very sweet, I came to know he was my father's brothers' friend too, I was told he lives in Arlington and the best thing I remembered is he invited me to visit him. Later I came to know he lives in Dallas and I used to wonder if I would be able to meet him because I was going to come stay in Richardson. He doesn't live in Dallas; I don't live in Richardson; I live in Dallas; my university is in Richardson; he doesn't live in Arlington either; he lives in Bedford.

Too Rich Or Too Poor

I have died so little today, friend, forgive me. 

- Thomas Lux 

I badly want to write though little do I know what to; that's insignificant. I spent almost the whole day in the group-study room of the library. Thrice I stood at the glass wall overlooking a construction site wondering what's going wrong. Wondering doesn't help much; thinking might but actions always do. Some places seem as if they have been a part of my life for a long, some people give that impression too and some just seem to say "you are weird, too sticky; better stay away". Alhamdulillah places don't speak. Logic and the need for love don't go well together.

I had to submit a 'take-home' midterm test on Friday before 7 pm. I had 26 hours of time to answer 5 questions. I remember studying the DES and the Triple - DES algorithm back in engineering; one of the questions expected me to write an algorithm to attack a variant of DES called MV DESX and recover the keys. The approach I adopted was 'meet-in-the-middle attack'. I am not sure what the professor expects but I was glad I could come up with the technique. I slept only 2 hours the other night, 3 hours on Friday evening and it's 6:06 am now. I need to retire at the earliest.

All of the 24 hours in a day seem to be different. It's different when I talk to my room mates, it's something when I talk to parents, it's something else when I talk to friends and the rest of the time is disturbing. I need to be doing something that either keeps my mind busy not letting it think a few things or just something that reduces the sense of feeling. I don't miss home much now, I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah, I am used to the new place, I like the people here, I have a sense of belonging, I have many things I can do and enjoy; I just can't think of a single person I can call up whenever I feel the excruciating need to talk, share and show love to; peace is absent.