Too Rich Or Too Poor

I have died so little today, friend, forgive me. 

- Thomas Lux 

I badly want to write though little do I know what to; that's insignificant. I spent almost the whole day in the group-study room of the library. Thrice I stood at the glass wall overlooking a construction site wondering what's going wrong. Wondering doesn't help much; thinking might but actions always do. Some places seem as if they have been a part of my life for a long, some people give that impression too and some just seem to say "you are weird, too sticky; better stay away". Alhamdulillah places don't speak. Logic and the need for love don't go well together.

I had to submit a 'take-home' midterm test on Friday before 7 pm. I had 26 hours of time to answer 5 questions. I remember studying the DES and the Triple - DES algorithm back in engineering; one of the questions expected me to write an algorithm to attack a variant of DES called MV DESX and recover the keys. The approach I adopted was 'meet-in-the-middle attack'. I am not sure what the professor expects but I was glad I could come up with the technique. I slept only 2 hours the other night, 3 hours on Friday evening and it's 6:06 am now. I need to retire at the earliest.

All of the 24 hours in a day seem to be different. It's different when I talk to my room mates, it's something when I talk to parents, it's something else when I talk to friends and the rest of the time is disturbing. I need to be doing something that either keeps my mind busy not letting it think a few things or just something that reduces the sense of feeling. I don't miss home much now, I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah, I am used to the new place, I like the people here, I have a sense of belonging, I have many things I can do and enjoy; I just can't think of a single person I can call up whenever I feel the excruciating need to talk, share and show love to; peace is absent.

A Notebook Worth 22 Years

Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.  

- Zelda Fitzgerald   

I always hated going to school back in India. I remember rejoicing even very small changes in routine whenever they happened - not going to home after school some times and instead to my father's shop which he used to run many years back, to some relative's house or for shopping. I would wait all through the week, counting days, for Saturday to come so that I could go to my grandparent's house. It was an almost same routine for 12 long years. There were financial constraints, things I had to enjoy only by looking at them and dream. I am happy those days are over. I remember something very important my mother wanted me to learn: "never spread your legs beyond the limits of your blanket".

Once in a blue-moon my father used to pick me up from school. I waited for such days. The days seemed too long. After a painful wait, I used to run after the class to the parking lot searching for my father. I always knew where he was going to park his scooter. And from distance I would see him and forget the whole world. I used to try controlling my lips but they smiled uncaring the moment I saw him. He used to have his dark glasses on and I could smell the sweet scent of his aftershave 'Old Spice' the moment I went close to him. He would then take me to his shop and back home late in the evening. The same lousy, heartbreaking and tiresome routine would continue from the following day.

The hope of a better future kept motivating me. I somehow knew everything I wanted was going to come someday. I still can't believe how important every single Rupee was to me just a decade back. Using Dollars seemed strange initially; I was converting them into Rupees before buying even bananas. It's different now alhamdulillah. I, now have finally come to understand what's expensive and what's worth the stuff I am buying. Everywhere we go, wisdom is in adjusting to things we cannot change and changing things that must be changed. I am learning where to cut and where to set it loose. Loving includes knowing when to hold on and when to let it go.

Monday I slept at 7 am and got out of bed at 5 pm though had an alarm on my phone for 2 pm initially which kept getting added by an hour twice. Tuesday I slept at almost 8 am and woke up at 4 pm. I had to attend a class at 5:30 pm. There are days I go with less than five hours of sleep. Then there are days I take 10 to 12 hours for the indulgence. The only times I am bothered is when I am not able to do what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. I am not the only one here living this way. I at least have a few days I sleep only for five hours. I know many who indulge even more all through the week. It's 5:05 am right now and two of my room mates are awake.

I don't like the English I am using while writing blog-posts these days. Though I have no problem in expressing what exactly I intend to, it's way to simple. Though I have used some vocabulary in the past even I don't understand now, I believe having a good vocabulary means being able to make the other person understand precisely what you intend to let her know. But even then, I am being too simple and I don't like it. But I guess it shouldn't matter if I remember the premise of my blog. I love the school I am going to now.

Very False Ceiling

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. 
-  The Wonder Years

There were two different days in succession. I realized there are some mistakes we just can't do anything about until we commit them. I draw a horizontal line in the middle when I write '7' but people here don't. It's a thing I chose and Americans didn't. I appreciate and respect that. I was just not told about it by anybody. That was one of the two things that went wrong. I am going to talk to my father's friend tomorrow. I know it's only he after Allah who can make me feel better about it. It doesn't make much difference to anybody but me. I can't bear to see myself making mistakes.

There are so many different kinds of people in this world. Back in India we had this concept of "Unity In Diversity". America is more diverse, there are more kind of different people here, there are people not just from different countries but also different races and there are so many ideals to follow. I think here we can say something like "Diversity and Federal Law". There are several worlds out here living their own lives not interfering with others yet remain peaceful. I am among few new who are mixing up a little. Many of my Indian acquaintances living in the University campus hardly interact with people from other countries. They isolate themselves thinking it's important for their safety.

Some weeks back I went into a debate with an old friend over an article I posted on Facebook. It was getting dirty. I referred it to a cousin and she said it's better we don't go beyond a point and I left it. This friend sent me an e-mail a few days later and said we can still talk on that on an intellectual level. I was glad; I thought I could be more subjective over e-mails. I replied in the softest tone possible. I was expecting a reply in a similar tone. I just didn't feel like reading it after the first paragraph. I won't reply to it; I am not even going to read it. My cousin was right - in matters of religion, people don't respond well when you talk logically.

Somebody Else's Dream

"Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." 
"I know," said Pooh humbly.” 

- Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

Some times it's just a greeting with a smile that can change the rest of the day. Obviously smiles are said to spread happiness and all that that comes attached with smiles is proclaimed in well-known proverbs and sayings, but some smiles are different - they carry themselves to the future, show new doors and simply mesmerise. If I get to read today's post, say, a decade from now, I am sure just the first two lines are enough to remind me of how I enjoyed a few minutes of my life today and how the rest of my time was blessed. I hope and pray to Allah that it's a start of something that would last forever.

An hour was added to all clocks today. It didn't surprise me like how it happened last November. I am yet to correct my wrist watches. I just lost an hour which means I get an hour less to sleep. I have lots of sleep in my eyes but I am simply in love with reality that I don't want to go to bed. But I know once I am there it's going to get tough to wake up again. Alhamdulillah I don't find anything I need to complain about to Allah. I just pray to Allah that I remain blessed the way I have been since I was born. Though there have been some grave losses, some irreparable damages done and a thing I shouldn't have ever said, there is nothing I would like to change in my past. Allah created reality and I love it. SubhanAllah.

I have stopped keeping track of so many things. Priorities clearly stand out of everything I want to do and have been dreaming of doing. Happiness is definitely made in those very small instances of time. It's better to loose the will and desire to do a few things than to do them and repent later. There are so many things in my life alhamdulillah that make me say "yes, a thing of beauty is a joy forever". Things have been changing fast and I have been appreciating every bit of it. I come to a point now from where I really have no idea what's going to come next. I like this expanse of time. But I know it will change again. I am after bigger things. Smiles make a lot of difference to me. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday's

It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.

- Colette

A tree fell on my room mate's car Friday morning. Loud continuous knocks on the door woke me up at 10:15 am. It was some maintenance guy who asked me if the blue car standing outside hidden by the tree was mine. As a general understanding that bad things don't usually happen to us - though of course Allah decides - I told him it wasn't mine. But still I gave a casual look from the balcony. I ran back inside and woke my friend up. We both ran out to check out. His insurance company said his car is covered only for liability and the apartment's insurance company said they don't cover damages due to acts of nature. Though alhamdulillah the damage was very less when it could have been severe, it's something that left a bad memory. We decided we would park our cars away from trees; always inshAllah.

Thursday after visiting the career expo this same friend asked me if I was in a mood to play pool. I am always in mood for that. We played table tennis for almost an hour. It doesn't happen always that we all four room mates meet at one place at one time. I enjoy it every time I get a chance to spend time with them. A couple of hours back we were watching comedy scenes from some Hindi movie and enjoying them. Our new room mate from Tanzania keep us entertained. I am glad I am not like other people here living in their cocoons, seeing the same places everyday and doing the same things every night. Alhamdulillah it's so wonderful. I am in love with everything Allah has blessed me with.

For those who look at their life the way Allah wants them to, there are always many things to enjoy and cherish right at the place they are in. No matter how far we live from out parents, no matter how much we miss people, there is always something to enjoy today which won't be there tomorrow. I remember talking to my parents about this once - if we want to have something, if Allah has made it Halaal for us and if we can afford it, it becomes mandatory for us to obtain it. When Allah blesses us with something, He wants us to use it. My heart just keeps overflowing with nobody to take it.

March 6th

I always wondered, when a butterfly leaves the safety of its cocoon, does it realize how beautiful it has become? Or does it still just see itself as a caterpillar?" 
- The Air I Breathe (2007)

It's not that I can't write a few paragraphs daily. There was a time when I was writing every day for several months in succession. Two out of five times I start writing I start with seeing myself trying to kill the feeling of being poetic in my words. It's not the outcome that I am afraid of. It's simply not a pleasant thing to be writing a poem for what all goes through as a thought process is unpleasant. Not writing an impressive poem is just about another thing. And it's not that smooth to have something in mind and give something else in words. It's not faking; it beats the purpose of archiving thoughts.

In the past week I worked for almost 44 hours in total. It's manageable alhamdulillah. Though Google Maps says it takes 32 minutes for one-way journey I mostly manage it in under 30 minutes. The speed limit on the freeway I use is 60 miles but keeping in tune with the traffic flow pushes it beyond 65. Usually on my return journey I take 70 and stay alert looking for flickering blue and white lights. They always increase my heartbeat. Though I have perfect documents, insurance and license alhamdulillah, I prefer staying away from cops. But when I am not driving, the sight of a police man makes me feel safer.

It feels awesome when I press the gas on the v6 engine. The sound it makes, the acceleration it gives and the happiness it gives is mesmerising. It was so different when I used to drive on a v2 back in India. Even the v4 I had for a few days never gave so much fascination. Of course there are several cars on the roads with v8 in them; I don't think much about them. There will be time for many other things inshAllah. I remember my friend used to tease me telling I miss the adventure of riding bikes. When he gets to drive something like this inshAllah he will know what he has been missing. I see sport bikes here, I love the sound they make and the speed they travel at but I never think of riding them. My cousin had one and he once asked me to take a try. I said I never learned to ride bikes.

My brother went against my parent's directions that we shouldn't ride two-wheelers. Even as my mother kept asking him to keep away from them he continued and tried almost every kind of bike available on Hyderabad's roads. Yesterday alhamdulillah he got a brand new bike as a birthday gift from my mother. I am more excited than I was when I bought a car here. Though I am worried about the traffic in Hyderabad and my brother's safety and also the fact that my parents themselves went ahead with something they had always kept me away from, I am glad my brother owns a bike now. It's his birthday today. He is 18.

We had a career expo today at the university having 93 companies visiting. All of them were looking for students and alumni to fill co-op and internship positions. A small number of them were willing to take students with F1 status. I reached the place with my room-mate friend 30 minutes before closing. Then most important thing I needed was the list of all companies with the details of the vacant positions they had so that I can apply for them online. I dresses up fully formal and felt like myself again after so many days. The American lady at the check-in desk complimented at my shirt even while I have a messy looking beard and long hair like I have never kept before . Alhamdulillah I had so many wonderful looking shirts but hardly would I get any compliments in India. Strangers at times are sweet. Here, giving compliments is never flirting even if the other person is a complete stranger.

Once Upon A Time In Dallas

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. 

- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith 

I guess it was more that 10 years back at my aunt's house's lawn I was standing with my father when he said to me that I should always consider him my friend. A few years back he told me he would never leave me. Alhamdulillah I get to talk to him daily. I talk to my mother when the night start and before going to bed it's my father. I avoid talking to both of them at once. If I do that then I won't have the chance to talk to any of them again until the next day arrives. I mostly prefer enjoying luxuries slow.

Yesterday, just after a test I had, my room mate picked me up at 9 pm outside the ECS building. A few minutes later we were four people watching 'Unborn' at a theatre in Plano. We followed it with a dinner at IHOP. Earlier in the day I had lists of things ready to be finished in the coming 48 hours. Alhamdulillah I am done with them all - there were lease papers to be taken care of, bills to be paid online, a test to be taken, an assignment to be submitted and some commitments to be delivered. I could list out hour by hour detail on my last five days and wonder how I could do all that. But when I stare at the bottom line perhaps the only thing to cherish is Allah helping me all through.

Though I comb my hair at least once daily but I got to see my face in the mirror today. My hair have grown up beyond being called accepted and my beard seem to have taken over my complexion. The moment I realized about them I ended up saying "oh!". I remember saying "oh!" when I calculated the number of kilometers I drove on Saturday early morning. I said "oh!" when I checked out the cost of a Dollar in Rupees. I said "oh!" when I realized how long it has been since I have had any form of conversation with any friend from India.