Once Again

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.

- Winnie The Pooh, A. A. Milne

It's very cold here today. I had never seen such chilly weather anytime in Hyderabad and it's just the start of winter. Though one of my room mates told me that it's cold when we see Americans wearing warm clothes I didn't feel like wearing my jacket today. We had to go for some shopping in the evening but we stayed indoors after I returned from my class at 9:30 pm. I had a burger on my way back to try out this 'Jack In The Box'. I had been seeing it for two months now but had never been there until today. I liked the burger. Alhamdulillah.

The other day I had a dream in which I knew it was a dream and I was hoping that it would not end. But I woke up and was still here in my apartment. Something similar happens almost every night. I have always stayed away from sleep in the nights for the fear it causes to me. Back in Hyderabad I used to wait till my body would give in. I don't understand what's going on here. I sleep even for 10 hours somedays and most of it is during day time. I know once I start with a job inshAllah everything will have to be put right. I am just waiting for that day to come. I know it's not far inshAllah.

Getting mails from my mamma every morning and evening has turned into a habbit for me by now. It feels so nice to hear from her twice daily. When I have video conferences with her, my father and brother, it's like I am sitting with them. Even after everything that has to be spoken gets over, I ask them to stay online. This perhaps is the safest addiction I have - my parents and brother alhamdulillah. I want to move away from others slowly because I know there is no light ahead on the paths of friendship I walk with these few beautiful people. It's kind of a painful exercise - but today or tomorrow it has to come. It's not easy even to write this. I might just not even do what I am thinking of. But alhamdulillah I will be prepared. Something started yesterday back in India.

The More I Search, The More It's Not There

"Pooh, promise me you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I am a hundred."
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
- Winnie the Pooh, The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne

Among so many other things here in the University of Texas at Dallas I like the Muslim community a lot. The credit goes to the MSA that organizes regular meets and of course the Friday prayers. It was only after reaching Dallas that I could understand what exactly the Juma Qutba is about. It's given in English and so goes into my brains unlike how it was back in India where the same Arabic Qutba was recited every Friday which I am sure very few could understand. Today as I entered the prayer hall - there are rooms named as Galaxy Rooms in the University where prayers are performed every Friday alhamdulillah - I saw many Muslim brothers sitting in rows on white sheets of cloth waiting for the Qutba to be started.

One of the brothers from MSA delivered the Azan which was perhaps the most sweetest of the voices I have ever heard. I fall in love with this guy everytime I see him - he always has a smile on his face; always. Then the president of MSA at UTD delivered the Qutba. He spoke about a couple of hadees of Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) and explained them in detail. Then we had the Juma prayer. Alhamdulillah a similar practice is carried out every Friday and it gives me a lot of peace. SubhanAllah. One thing that comes to my mind repeatedly is something I heard at a Musalla in the first Juma prayer I attend in the US. I think it was in Plano but I am not sure - I had been there with my uncle at a time when I knew absolutely nothing about this place. The Imaam just before the prayer had said "brothers, please pray as if it's the last prayer of your lives".


I like many practices we have in our community here. MashAllah. I wonder whether the people delivering the Qutbas back in India know what they are reciting every Friday. I don't critique them. I just don't understand them. The guy who explained the Hadees today sports a goatee and has a muscular body. We don't need people wearing green gowns, designer caps and holding some threatening sticks in their hands. We need those who can share with us some knowledge that will help us attain Magfirath. I like this place. I like the people here. I just don't completely like the life I am living. I don't have anybody beside me I love. The more I search for love, the more it's not there.


I returned to my apartment after the Juma prayer today to start the preparation for a test I have on Monday. One of my room mates wanted to play pool and I was feeling lousy so I decided to go along with him. I like playing this game - I just can't play it well enough to win. I am yet to learn that. Out of the nine games I played, I came close to winning several times but couldn't make it even once. Yet I enjoyed my time - I like playing this game. I was having a tough time bending and looking at the balls on the table and the stick with my glasses that were repeatedly slipping down my nose. I kept trying for newer ways to aim but they were not of much help. Alhamdulillah.


I am having a tough time finding somebody who could help me here get a permanent Driving Licence. It was my father's friend who came 33 miles from his house in Bedford some weeks back to take me for the computerised test where I scored 21 out of 28 and got my Practice Licence without any preparation. He is too busy these days that I don't expect him to take so much time for me. I have the permission from my parents alhamdulillah to buy a car which is a necessity here for many things. I just don't have somebody to help me with it. Allah will of course decide how things have to take shape. I pray to Him and wait for the time to come. Yet time passes fast here, there is so much to wait for. My faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me smiling. Alhamdulillah. "Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" is another quote I could have used for today.

Being...

There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear.

- George S. Patton 

It's two months now since the day I came here. The feeling of still breathing air in Hyderabad is fresh. At times I feel helpless here just staying in my apartment with nowhere to go except of the university of some store. University always pleases me but even with so many students around I feel lonely there with no friend with me. I talk to many people here, I have become friendly with people from many countries and I have spent good time with several of these people. But there is nobody with whom I can really share myself. It's 11:57 pm here. I miss my home.

I am alhamdulillah satisfied with how things are taking shape. I am done with two of the three mid-term tests out of which one wasn't at all pleasing, I have learnt how to stay away from my parents, I have a fair idea of measurements here, the currency's value and the traffic movement on the roads. I had never used plastic money back in India. I do that now. I learnt how to sign checks and pay bills online without hesitating. I learnt how easy it is to start conversations here. I learnt many things alhamdulillah. Yet I know I have a lot of distance to cover. I want to finish my masters as early as possible and start with a full time job. It's not easy to stay with nothing called as family around me.

I see people complaining how difficult is it to be here, how weired it is to see new things here or some times even criticising their own decisions. I wonder how they thought it would all be easy for them. I still find it very easy here. At least living without emotions is simple. It's only a bit discomforting when my heart beats thinking about my people and friends back home. But I was prepared for that. Alhamdulillah I have fared well till now in containing myself. My laptop is my access to all the hearts out there.

The Best Things In Life Aren't Things

If you're good at something, never do it for free.

- The Joker, The Dark Knight

The moment I raised my head standing at the podium I could see all Americans, Europeans, Chinese and Indians keen on what I was going to do next. I will remember this presentation I gave today for a long time. I worried how I would sound, I was worried if I would get confused with the mock-up I was going to present and I was of course worried that I would let my team-mates down who had just finished their part. Our team had already taken extra minutes more than what was stipulated for us. The professor sitting in the last row was now ready to have a look at how our web application would appear.

Alhamdulillah ours was the only team praised by the professor. It was a compliment. I got a pat from one of my team-mates. The other one appreciated me as well. I felt I got recognition and respect in the class. It was still a very small thing but ended up making a lot of difference to me. Back in India I had given presentations in front of lecturers and students I could tell anything in front of. I knew nobody here. Four of my team-mates are Americans and two are Indians. They all make me feel comfortable. All of them have their jobs and two of them are married. I am the only fresher - Fresh of the Boat! So, any appreciation I get from them makes a lot of difference to me.


I had been to Six Flags in Arlington with my cousin sister and her family last Sunday. It was perhaps one of my happiest days here. I didn't enjoy any rides - my purpose was only to be with my sister. And they dropped me back to my apartment in the evening. They had come here from Austin and left later in the night. Saturday I spent the day with my aunt and cousins who came here from Houston and with some of my second cousins. I met most of them only here in Dallas and Houston for the first time but still got comfortable with them easily. I find this a change in me - I was very shy. I am shy even now but just because I meet people who show care and concern toward me, I cannot stop myself from giving all my heart to them and get friendly.


Last weekend showed to me how much difference it makes to have people around us whom we can love and who love us. Even if there is only one person with us who could always be loved and who would love in return, it gives immense peace and happiness. Allah has designed us this way. SubhanAllah. The moment I returned to my apartment at 1:30 am early Saturday I knew I was in a completely different world here - just those same walls and the same three rooms. I like this place but I don't like staying with nobody to love. I know thousands of students like me have the same life and they are used to it. I don't want to get used to it. I am the new generation; I believe in change.


I get to stay in continuous contact with my parents, brother and a few friends. It feels so nice to receive messages and e-mails from each of them. It feels great when somebody calls. The toughest part here is sleep. Maybe I can someday write in detail why sleep troubles me. Otherwise alhamdulillah things are moving smoothly. I will be happy as long as I am sure this phase of my life will end soon and I can catch up with a better future. I thank Allah for every bit of knowledge and wisdom I receive. There is so much to share but nobody to take it from me.

Flowers Have No Tomorrow

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.  

- Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly

When I left my home 34 days back I had in my mind that I was going to suffer after I reached America and that it was going to be tough for me. I wanted to keep myself prepared for the worst. I thought I would cry and that I would regret the decision I made back in November 2007 of going to America for pursuing Masters. I always kept asking Allah to make things easy for me. What I didn't know that Allah was going to make me the most happiest Muslim on Earth. I couldn't have imagined how easy Allah would be making my life once I was here. Now I wonder how much I will have to thank Allah for making me the most blessed. Of course I can never thank him enough I do try to make some attempts. Every single word of truth I utter I know it's Allah who would bless me and guide me onto the right path.

I live in an apartment which is a little more than a mile from The University of Texas at Dallas. We are five room-mates - each of us has left a job in India to catch up with further studies. We left an easy life back home. I somehow feel I came here for an easier life. I don't miss Indian food like many students living here do, I don't mind walking a kilometer to buy a pack of bread, I don't mind washing utensils, cooking my own food, washing my own clothes and I don't mind taking garbage packets to the can nearby. I only miss my parents, my brother, my friends and my relatives. But it's alright. I am still satisfied alhamdulillah. I couldn't have thought of anything better.

One of my room-mates is from Jammu and is married. He was a scientist in Indian Space Research Organization. He is now doing his Masters in Electrical Engineering. The second guy is from Vadodra. He could have joined TCS but he came here to do his Masters in Electrical Engineering too. The third guy is from Hyderabad. He graduated from JNTU a couple of years back and had a good job. He came here to do his Masters in Geospatial Information Systems. The fourth guy is from Hyderabad too. He didn't mind leaving a job in Wipro behind to do MS here in Computer Sciences. He is my classmate in one of the three courses in this semester. I, Syed Zubair Hasan, didn't go to Mysore to join Infosys with a few of my dearest friends on July 14th, 2008 and instead came to Dallas on August 13th to do Masters in Software Engineering. Alhamdulillah. I am the fifth guy in the apartment numbered 405 in Chatham Court in McCallum Boulevard. That's in Dallas but my university is in Richardson. Takes 5 minutes to reach from this place.

I thought Hurricane Ike would be a bother. It rained all day on Saturday when we were expecting high velocity winds and even tornadoes. But there was only rain. The next day, Sunday, it was back to sunshine. Today the weather was more than just pleasant. Late in the evening when I was returning home after Iftaar around 9 pm it was cold. I liked spending time with my other friends shivering! I had a half-sleeved T-Shirt on and it felt like home - thousands of miles away from the home I lived for 21 years.

I get a feeling that I have been living here for a long time. I experience new things and the next time that new thing happens it's already old. Alhamdulillah I am adjusting faster than I thought I would. At times I find it a little difficult understanding the Texan accent - it's a lot different than what I used to listen to in Hollywood movies. But alhamdulillah it's alright. Whenever I don't understand anything, I just say "excuse me" and the person repeats his previous words. People here are polite. But my cousins and my father's friend who live here warn me and tell me that I must not trust these people much.

I lost my habit of writing regularly. I wanted to write a poem too but I wonder how I am not able to. I have so many things to tell; so much I have learnt and observed. It's like it has been ages since I wrote anything amusing. I write mails to my parents, brother and friends almost every other day and it keeps me satisfied. Thanks to my father's friend who lives in Bedford, a suburb of Dallas, I got a cell phone. And thanks to my mamma I bought a laptop too. It has 3 Gb of RAM, 250 Gb of hard-drive space, a graphics card of 512 Mb memory from ATI Radeon and regular features like DVD writer with litescribe, integrated webcam and a remote control.

When I went to purchase this computer I was hardly any excited. I knew I needed it for a reason - studies. I just wanted one immediately - I liked this, it was from HP and I bought it for $703. Alhamdulillah. Later after I reached home I realized how Allah has made me make the right choice. Right from the metallic keys to clarity of the screen - I fell in love with everything. Alhamdulillah. InshAllah I will use it in the best way possible. There is a long road ahead of me. It's smooth if I keep my sight on my objectives. I would find difficulties if I deviate. Of course Allah will decide how things eventually, and even now, would be. My job is to leave everything to Him and try to do the right things right. SubhanAllah.

Speak American

We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it.
- John Steinbeck, America and Americans

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Thanks to my room-mate who brought a laptop here that I get to access the internet whenever I need it. I am in touch with almost everybody I wish to through e-mail. Getting a phone still seems to be difficult with SSN a necessary requirement. There are phones available that don't seek any signing of contracts but they sound expensive in the long run. I might probably go for AT&T but I am yet to figure out how I am going to work around the SSN thing. InshAllah tomorrow something should come up.

The evening I moved into my apartment my aunt had already seen me off with enough food for dinner not just for me but also for my four room mates. The next day was Sunday and my breakfast was cereal. That's the easiest and the most nutritious breakfast. Then we went to Walmart for some shopping. I couldn't resist chocolates, chocolate syrup, ice cream and cheese. There were many things we needed to start a home here. Alhamdulillah things are going great.

I had my first experience with comprehensive cooking today when I prepared a curry with tomatoes and potatoes. It came out wonderfully well. I didn't expect that quality. It's easy to prepare rice using the cooker. We also had another curry ready with us - the packed one. Bread, yogurt - though I don't eat, milk, juice, cheese, chocolate, cereal, ice cream and eggs are plenty in here right now. Food alhamdulillah it hardly an issue. It's just that one of us has to delegate and cook a curry for dinner everyday. That doesn't seem like any problem.

The university provides shuttle services too which are free of charge for the students. We students even get free passes that work for the other buses and trains here. The transport system in Dallas is called as DART and it's all free of charge for me. In our apartment we keep charts of all the available routes. There are many things we are learning and I am a kind of enjoying it. It's fun, it's challenging and it's necessary. Our house here is very luxurious though we have no furniture. Carpeting provides comfort in every corner and AC helps us forget the hot temperatures outside.

It's great to be in the university. I have attended a class each till now for the three courses I have registered in and I liked all the instructors. Though I have a lot of hard work to do to get A in each course, inshAllah I don't think I will find it difficult. There are many activities I can get involved into in the university but right now I am preferring staying away from them. I need to spend time getting used to the change I am undergoing. I see no other option than adopting what's coming so it makes no difference whether it is easy or not. I just have to do it. I live in an America we are supposed to deserve! At least that is how they say it.

As long as I was in my relative's house it was honeymoon for me. It's luxury here at my apartment too but not like how it was there. My aunt used to take care of me like my mother or my grandmother used to, my uncle always used to be concerned about my well-being. They are around 16 miles away from here now. I am in McCallum in Richardson and they are in Murphy. I am not sure when I am going to meet them next but inshAllah I will stay in close contact with them always.

It's not easy to stay away from what I have called as home for over 21 years. I have always had my parents and my best friends around me. I have nobody here who was with me for so much time. Every thing's new and fresh. I am called as FOB -Fresh Off the Board! I miss my parents, I miss my friends, I miss so much. I tel myself that this had to come and this is how it should be. I have bigger commitments now I need to take care of. It must not be expected of me to tell anybody if I have cried after coming here. It's something insignificant. It's expected. It's in the system. I have to finish my masters soon. I have to get married. And bigger things start from there. Allah decides everything.

We have had two orientations till now - one was general for all international students and the other was for those into Computer Sciences. The International Student Orientation also contained a lecture on Cultural Shock. I am waiting for some lightening to strike me. It's all like I knew how it was going to be here. I am from a big city like Hyderabad, I have had so many relatives and friends living in the United States for so long, I have read and seen so much about this place - it's can't shock me so easily. Of course there are times when I see something and tell myself "oookkaaay". But it's alright. Today I saw a girl aged around 20 lying completely on the footpath while waiting for the bus. I looked at her blankly for a second and that was it. There were some Indian students there who seemed to be puzzled. It's alright - it's America.

After the Honeymoon phase an irritation phase is expected. Then comes the adjustment phase. I think I am working around these phases quickly given that I know why I am here and where I need to go. When we have our eyes fixed on the goals we seldom give any importance to the trouble the road to that goal might give. Allah has created everything - whether it's here in the US or back home in India. As long as I worship Allah I know I am on the right path. I thank Allah for the decisions I could take till now and the luxury he has supplied me with. He has made many things very easy for me Alhamdulillah.

The last time I spoke to my parents was on Thursday. It was Thursday here at least - it must have been Friday there. Though I feel like talking to them frequently I know that it's not a good idea. I need to get used to not hearing their voice. There are many things I need to get used to which I would never prefer if I had the option. Having no option makes things easy. Just before leaving India I had read that Allah doesn't like any humans grieving. It's sinful to be sad. Now, I don;t remember where exactly I had read it but all I remember is what it meant and that it was authentic. So, whenever I feel sad about something I remind me of this. Of course it's not easy to leave so many loves ones behind... that is how it must be. Allah knows what is good.

My trip to Houston after I came here was very satisfying. I was there to meet my father's elder brother and his family. After that once I returned to Dallas I met many people from my uncle's family. I have been to many places around, seen many new things and worked myself around several experiences. I feel in love with the University of Texas at Dallas at first sight. The more time I spent there the more I keep liking it. I even got to play table tennis and pool here. There are many more games I can explore whenever I want to. It's all open for me. There are too many things to do and too less time. I wish I could keep on writing but I need to go to bed. I thank Allah for how things are now. I thank my parents for supporting me. I still wish I could keep on writing. I am not satisfied.

America

Alhamdulillah I landed at Dallas Fort Worth Airport yesterday around 9:20 pm local time. My uncle and a cousin were there already to receive me. I am at their house right now alhamdulillah. I had started from Hyderabad when it was Tuesday there. My flight to Mumbai was delayed by 40 minutes. And at Mumbai I had to wait in a long queue to board a coach which was supposed to take me to the international terminal. I was in time for everything. We started for Brussels around 2:30 am. Now I don't remember what the local time at Brussels was when we touched down there. It was 1:20 pm New York time when I finally adjusted my watch at Newark.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
- Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Just before touching down at Newark I got to see Statue of Liberty from far. It was a wonderful experience all trough my journey. I spend many hours at the airport in Newark moving around. I even had to board a train to move from terminal B to terminal C. In short, the journey was very good. I only wished that the food served was a little more in quantity! I opted for vegetarian meals everywhere. When I reached Dallas my uncle server me biryani at his home. May Allah bless him; he is taking good care of me.

I didn't cry when I left my parents in Hyderabad. I had asked them not to do that too. It was all smooth alhamdulillah. I know things are going to get tough for me from now. It's a different world which I had seen only on the TV! I don't feel like a foreigner. I am yet to go out and see Dallas under the sun light. I pray to Allah that I get used to the change soon. I don't want to cry for anything. I don't want to sit thinking what I must do to feel good. I want to study well and be a good Muslim. May Allah guide me.