We are more than 30 ... wow!

I woke up late in the morning, it was almost 12. I spent almost the complete day on the internet. Just took a 2 hour 'nap' in the evening and some time off during dinner. I was a day wasted ... I had thought of studying but my laziness prevented me from doing it.

The weather today was splendid. Though the low temprature forced me to close the window in the living room, I still enjoyed the cool air. I wish I had gone to some outing today; probably to a place like Necklace road. I remember the last time when it was raining and I went there with my friends. That day we had played 'truth n dare' there!

On Monday my mother had some hearing of the enquiry that has been going on her relating to some involment of her deputy in a scam that could have happened! It more than a year now and the thing has not been solved. Yesterday my mother was just asked to give few things in writing. The enquiry officer is my mother's colleague and he knows thats its just a kind of formality that my mother has been dragged into this. Her deputy has already been suspended. Though everybody knows that my mother has nothing to do with the case, the official procedures require all this crap. Just because of this my mother can't leave the country. A few days back I saw my mother upset as she had decided to perform an 'Umrah' and she is not able to do it. She has been waiting for the no objection ceritifcate from her office and they don't give him because she has not been proved innocent till now. This is what our government rules are upto - the criminals never face anything and those who face are the ones who never do anything wrong!

A couple of days back another cousin of mine took an admission in a university in Kyrgyzstan. I already have a cousin brother studying there. My cousin sister (who has taken the admission) lives in United States. As its well know that the education there is too expensive and becoming a doctor especially takes many years of hard work and patience, she has decided to come here. Here, in this Central Asian country, she can comeplete her doctorate in 5 years. Her brother, back in Houston, has completed his pre-medicine and is precaring for the entrance that will get him a seat in a medical college. InshAllah he will make it through.

I, along with a cousin brother from Deccan College, will be the first engineer from the 30+ cousins form my father's side. The same is the case from my mother's side too! I have never met 2 from this 30+ group. They are my father's eldest brother's children and they live in France. In fact I have never met my uncle too!

(Shah Rukh Khan's Don) - (all it's songs) = Awesome movie!

I had been to watch the movie 'Don' today. Let me be frank first - I somehow felt that the role especially is better suited for some macho hero who could really look like a 'don'. But Shah Rukh Khan was superb here. His dressing, especially in the title song, was stunning. I went crazy after the suit he was wearing there. The climax was definitely better than the Don by Amitab Bachan. Here, don was don and it was proved that 'no one could catch him'. I never get into the story so much but this part was well thought. I didn't see the original movie completely but I know the story and many things about it. In a nut shell: I enjoyed the movie. Even the time spent with friends was worthy.

Today I went to the college. I reached around 12 noon. There was nothing really for me to do there. I had to give my friend his fine and thats it. It was all time pass. I would have done the same staying home actually so this was far better. InshAllah tomorrow I will study. I have to start from somewhere.

Lately I have been thinking about my weight. I need to put on some mass. I don't know waht exactly to do; I don't know how to eat a lot like others do! My father asked me to go to a gym ... but ... I don't know ... it soetimes shattering my peace of mind. I need to do something.

And yes the movie again: I think the songs were foolish. It looked as if some music was being played and people were dancing. The song 'khaike paan benaras waala' was ... huh! I don't want to use any weired word. The cars were awesome, the locales were stunning, the work done with the camera was amazing. The music in general was good ... I didn't like the songs though. Of course I need to like a movie like this because I have always liked Sharukh Khan; right from when I saw the movie 'Darr'. I used to compare Sunny Doel and him since then. But it was a great relief to me when I found Sharukh Khan at the top. Though I am not a fan big enough to watch all his movies. I even don't believe in fanfare and things like that; but among all the actors, I like him the most. I don't like any actresses. In fact I hate them all. They all look alike.

Today I had a good discussion with a friend about why sometimes people like being bad (or being 'bad'!). I will write about it sometime very soon. Though they weren't any conclusions as such, the discussion was nice.

Poems and distances

Today I finally updated 2 of my blogs. The family blog (timmapuris.blogspot.com) and Gridlocked. I still did not write the article I was preparing for. I will do it soon inshAllah.

Today I spent a lot of time in front of the computer. I did a lot of cleaning work to. I removed many softwares I wasn't using and tried a few new things too. I made some changes with the anti virus I had; I installed a new one. Then I found that my internet service provider doesn't connect me when I have a pirated version of anti virus installed on my system. There was a problem with this. And for the last few days even the connection speed had slowed down. It is getting too irritating at times when I have to do something serious. So, I wrote a letter to customer care of Sify. The last 2 times I wrote to them, they addressed very well. I hope they respond in the same way even this time.

Today my aunt and uncle came to meet us. They had been to US to stay with my cousin sister. They were back at the start of Ramazan itself but we couldn't meet. They told us a lot about their experiences there. It was nice having some elder people come to our house.

Later in the evening my uncle (father's elder brother) and aunt came to meet us. We spoke on several things and like usual, I had some detailed talks with him. He told me how the distances between places is reduced when the motif and the reason to travel is something superior than the distance itself. We spoke about people who travel a lot to go to their places of work ... to make money ... the need... the necessity ... many things.

I had a heavy dinner of butter chicken and biryani.

Great day today :)

When I woke up in the morning, my mother said "I tried waking you up sometime back and you said that you were not going to the college today". I said that while I was asleep and even I was amazed to know I really said that. I started from home a little before 10:30 am and I was in the college before 11. I was glad not loosing much time in travelling.

I had to go to the college to give my friend some papers. But I came to know that my name hasbeen put into the list of studnets who have their attendance less than the required. These people are made to pay some amount as condonation fee. I was shocked to know that I have been included in them. I had to wait till I could actually see my attendance in individual subjects. While the mam incharge was dictating me the numbers, she was sure that some mistake has been committed and she calculated the percentage again. It was well above the required number.

Soemthing like this happened even in the first semister last year. I don't like having tensions of these kind where in I am put under pressure for something I haven't done. I never say things like 'why me?'. I sometimes even feel its nice that some things come to me and I solve them. At least others are spared of it. There are too many problems people have. Alhamdulillah I hardly have any. I create some for myself sometimes!

Then I spent a lot of time with 3 of my friends. We didn't do anything but just sitting and talking everything we could. I felt so nice. I had some serious things in my mind since yesterday evening and I felt great being with them today. As always they made me feel good and most importantly, they made me feel important. No doubt how much I need them (I have written this particular sentence in one of my posts long back; I mean it). And again I say that I feel myself as the most lucky human being on earth. Alhamdulillah. I love my friends and all those around me.

I was in the college till 3:30 pm I guess. After that, with a friend, I went to have some snacks in the same bakery I had been to yesterday. Later I met my grandparents and reached home finally to see that the wall clock in the living room has slowed down. Its 12:17 am in my system clock and the old-half-grandfather-clock is showing 9:35! This clock belongs to my father's grandfather. It was one with a pendulum - it must be atleast 50 years old. But my father removed the lower half of the antique and converted the clock into and automatic thing working on a bettery. I think the battery has weakend and I have some work tomorrow.

I had my dinner a little late today. But it was a little early than yesterday. Yesterday it was after 12 midnight. Today I thought of spending some time in front of the television while having the meal. But after scanning so many channels I found it useless. But I tuned into some movie on HBO and watched it. It was relating to some devils. I watched it to watch the action. I couldn't understand even a bit of the story.

One single block

I didn't update the blog for 3 continous days. Even today I was about to leave it starving. But ...

The day before Ied I was with my friend in the evning and even till late till late night we were together. I slept at 3 am. The next day I spent many hours just trying to sleep but there were continous disturbances. I hardly met any people during the day time andeven in the evning we couldn't meet all our relatives we usually do. My father had a Nikah to attend at a mosque so we couldn't find much time. I slept late again - did nothing but sat in front of the computer.

The next day, the 26th of October will never be forgotten by anybody at home; atleast my parents and me. The day passed with me staying at home with father and my brother going out with my mother. Late int he night I thought of talking with my parents about many thing: things I have been doing all these days, things I found them doing wrong and all the things I could say in that 1 hour 30 minutes. Still I missed out one most important thing. I wanted to say it, openly, blatantly but the moment I finished the last thing, I saw my father feeling sleepy. I let him go and even my mother left for bed. But I told my father that I am hiding something from him which I would definitely share. I told him that its nothing wrong and he need not worry. He said he is always there to listen to me.

The talk: I told them about my college life - things I do, people I spend time with, the kind of friendship I have with these poeple, a little about my studies, a lot about the religion in m and what all I want them to learn, the time I have spent in Ramzan with my freinds talking about Islam, why I prefer not watching television, why sometimes I make few things important for me even when they are very small and hardly make any difference. I also told them what they mean to me and how much I love them. I told them I wanted to tell them sorry for manythings but for some reason I could never do that - I didn't do it even yesterday.

I told my father about the things I didn't like in him. I did the same with my mother. They listened to me. They considered me their equal while we were talking. I told them that I am younger to them and they can stop me from talking if they feel I am getting too much. My father said he wants me to talk. He said he considers me his friend and he will always listen to what I have to say even if it is against him. In those minutes I told them what all I could. I felt great sharing things wiht them. I told them how much I need them and how much I will be needing them always. There are things I can't put here ... in short I almost got them to ... ... ok fine leave it. It was too much yesterday but still something was left out. But now I feel relaxed that even my parents know what my friends know about me. I have no guilt feeling inside me now - the one that was troubling me because I was hiding things from them.

The best times were when my father kept on saying that he trusts me and respects me.

Today morning I wanted to attend the class we had but couldn't because I was late - for some reason! Then I got all my lab records certified and relieved myself of another tension. I even got to know some of my marks and I was fine with them. Later in the evening I dropped in at a bakery with a friend and had some snacks. Few of my friends went to watch the movie 'Don' today. I didn't go.

Later in the evening I started preparing things for my next article. This will be for MJ Communique. I have done what all usually do before writing anything, I just have to frame things into a one single block called as an 'article'!!!

Orkut - too bad!

It's 1 am already and I am awake till now. Last year I remember I did so much work on the eve of Ied-ul-fitr. Today I was with my friend wasting time on Orkut. We did a lot of browsing there and found many things. It was fine ... but pretty useless.

I was about to close down my computer. I knew I had to update but wanted to skip today. I did it so that the count of my posting moves on to 171. Again a silly reason to blog today.

After iftaar I went to get haleem from Pista House. This was my first experience with thec an in such heavy traffic. It was terrible with the first 2 gears of the car giving problem. Somehow I managed. The buying of haleem too was a big task. Poeple were dying to buy it; even I was!

I know. Do you?

Today we were expecting it to be the last day of Ramzan. Fortunately it was not. We have another day to fast and that means more blessings. Even those into various businesses get benefited. I am not going to tell how because there is a special reason that I am writing today's post and it is very important.

When I was in 7th standard (I am not sure but somewhere around), my grandfather gifted me a book by name 'The Big Book of Knowledge'. I used to read it a lt. It was a fat book - a real big one, and I read every single page of it. It was as if I have acquired a lot of knowledge on various topics and subjects and it was definitely something big for a student of that age. I used to feel nice knowing all that. The book was amazing and it included almost important thing on earth, in brief. I think I read it more than once; few pages were read several times!

I was proud of myself. I felt great knowing all that because there were very people who had that kind and amount of knowledge. I felt that way and I was almost right. I was really, really proud of myself. I felt pride whenever I used to share my knowledge with others. I felt superior to others that I had read all that and I had some knowledge. I even felt that others were inferior to me because they didn't know what I knew.

As days passed, even years, I understood that taking pride in possessing something is a sin. Though even till date I don't find people who have read that book and learnt so much from it. It’s a different case that I might have forgotten much from that. But my pride is no more. I grew up. I learnt. I learnt humility (though not to perfection). I began understanding that importance of knowledge and how to use it. I learnt sharing; not preaching.

Till my 10th standard my father taught me many things - religion and more. He used to get books and give them to me to read them. I used to read every book. I learnt things. I came to know more about my religion. But I didn't learn the implementation. I had the knowledge. I father taught me how important prayers were, he sent me to learn how to recite the Holy Quran, he completed all his responsibilities. He is a great father. But my parents never had the time to force me do anything. They trusted my knowledge, faith, maturity, intelligence or whatever it can be termed as. I knew the rules. I was following the ones I was comfortable with. I hardly took pride because by then I also learnt that I had to learn even more.

All those days I used to attend all religious sermons with my father. I understood more about Islam. But somehow I always used to feel that I was superior to many people because I had read some books that already told me what was right and wrong and the sermons I was listening were just a repetition of that. Though I liked hearing to a few people, there were some I always ran away from. It was basically because they spoke as if they were superior to me. I never liked being inferior. I like being equal to everybody.

When I got into my intermediate (+2), I had my Arabic Sir who mentored me. He had no pride. He spoke as though he loved his students and wanted them to learn what he has already learnt. I considered him to be someone equal to me; someone who really wanted to help me. I liked him. I listened to all that he said and tried to implement it. I started becoming a better person. But along side I continued my dislike towards the people who gave religious sermons and had pride in their voices. I didn't like listening to them because I felt they considered me a sinner. These people though they were cleaner than me and superior for that reason. I felt being downplayed by them whenever I heard them. So, I avoided them. But there were always some whom I liked and listened to - one of them being an Imam at a mosque at Mehdipatnam.

I got into engineering. My Arabic sir remained in my mind and I am sure I will never forget him. But now, I had nobody like him with me. I stopped listening to sermons for the reason I have said above. I hardly had any Alims I could trust. And I couldn't listen to their speeches as there were time and place constraints. To other 'speakers' I asked in my heart 'who are you to teach me?', 'why are you so proud of yourself and your position?', 'why do you think I am a sinner?' 'Do you think you know me? Do you think you know how much faith in Allah I have? Do you think you know what I do at home?'

I kept reading small things here and there and sometimes even listened to some people. But I never got anybody who could really perturb me. I never found someone who was my equal and who shared things with me rather than being preachy. I didn't get anyone who cared for me and told things so that I can be better person. I never found a person who could listen to me and the things I knew. Until now (I refer to the time I am spending in the college with my friends talking about Islam).

Though I know the rules, the correct and the incorrect things, I wasn't implementing them. Now I am getting motivated. I am getting motivated because I am discussing it with my friends. They are telling me their own experiences. They are sharing with me. They are making me feel like a sinner. They make me feel as if I can become a better person. I never feel inferior to them. I never feel as if anybody of them is taking any pride. I feel that these are the people who can tell me anything; who can set me right; who can make me implement what all I know.

I know the amount of faith I have in me. Or perhaps Allah know is better. Allah knows what I am from inside - He knows more than what I know about myself. Allah knows about me what others do not. The people who preach, the people who try to teach me, the people who take pride in the knowledge they have, they people who are better than me and have committed less sins than me (Allah knows better), the people who think they have more faith in Allah in me; they all do not know about me but Allah knows everything.

When I recite the second Kalima, I know what I am saying. I am proclaiming that I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Muhammed (pbuh) is his prophet. I say that I am a witness to this fact even though I haven't seen Allah. I bear the witness only because I know Allah is there, He has created me, He is there with me always. I bear the witness for several reasons including the fact that I have personally felt many things that have made me cry. I am a witness to Allah's presence.

Now, today. Today a friend of mine told me 2 things. He told a lot and I divide it into 2 parts. One of which is correct and the other a prejudice, speculation or his foolishness. Yes, I use this word 'foolishness' here. First he told me about the things I was wrong in. It was fine. He wants me to be on the right path. I agree I am doing many things wrong, so being a good friend he reminded me of my mistakes and faults. JazakAllah. He wants good for me - of course.

The second thing: he said I am forgetting the main purpose of life - having enough merits so as to reach heaven. He said that my priorities and not right and I am not bothered of the hereafter. He said I am not worried about my life after death and I am more engrossed with the world. He said I am giving more importance to this world and not the world that would come after my death. He said I am a sinner. He said I am asking for so many favors from Allah that my merits wouldn't be enough to get me to heaven. He said that if Allah accepts all my prayers, He won't send me to heaven. In a way he said that there is some quota that I am using up here in this world instead of using it to reach heaven.

I didn't understand what made him say that. Does he think he knows me completely? Does he think he knows all about the prayers I perform? Does he think he knows what I ask Allah for? Does he think he knows about my faith?

I am not here to let anybody know about the faith I have. I don't want to talk about the prayers I perform or the tears I shed. I am not in any mood to tell anybody anything I do for my life after my death. I don't what to tell how I thank Allah for everything He has done for me. I don't want to talk about how I ask Allah's forgiveness. I don't want to share how my 'Duas' are. Allah knows it and I think it is enough that He knows.

But this guy is my friend. He has gained more knowledge than me. Some day back he gave a speech about the Holy Quran and I liked it so much. It was so wonderful. I like it and also him for that. He has definitely learnt a lot more than me. But today I found him to be the kind of person I have discussed above - the person I don't like listening to; he was to me like the person who considered me to be a sinner inferior to him. My heart ached because he is my friend and till now I loved what all he used to say. Today he made me believe that I can include him among the people whose talk I dislike or have an aversion towards. I felt pride in his talk. He was the person I have described above.

I wish I am wrong. I want to be at fault. I want somebody to make me believe that I am wrong and he is right in everything he said - including the way he said and also what he thinks about me - a sinner.

And also I felt that I can't share with him a few things I used to share with him until now. He said they are wrong. I know they are wrong. He listened to me till now. Now he gained some knowledge that according to him makes him superior to me - because I am a sinner now. But now I don't feel like sharing something with him - the something I am talking about is known to people who know me personally and also to him. I wish I am wrong. I pray that Allah guides me and puts me on the right path.

He is my friend and its a fact. Facts don't get altered even when they are made to cease to exist. Facts are facts.

Somehow I feel that I am becoming a heavy person to carry - a difficult person to be with. In short I am becoming a complex personality. I know there are many people who like calling themselves as complex - my blogs define me better.

The biggest problem with me is the implementation of the knowledge I have - for reason I know and also for the reason I do not know. I pray to Allah that He guides me and puts me on the right path.

One last thing: Allah has everything in measures we can't imagine of. When I ask Him for something, it never means that He will 'cut' something else from something due to me. I ask him of materialistic things in this world, and I also beg for heaven. I pray for both. I remember both. Allah knows it well; better than me; a lot better than my friend or anybody else.

I like being criticized - but in away that is devoid of any pride and complexes. I like my equals telling me that I am wrong - equals are the people who consider themselves to be equal to me.

Allah save me.

Today I also told my friend that I 'burn' because of a guy who has 'something' which I don't. It was something equivalent to me saying that I am jealous of that guy. My friend recited Surah Falaq. This surah has the verse that asks Allah to save us from teh evil of jealousy. My friend perhaps didn't understand me or perhaps he didn't understand himself. He never tried to imagine himself in my shoes. He doesn't know that this guy - of who I said I am jealous of; or I 'burn' because of whom - is among those I respect a lot. My friend doesn't know that I have prayed for this guy's wellbeing so many times - all this because I know this guy is a good person. I want good for him. I don't want to hurt him. It just so happens that he makes me feel like a looser.

Allah save me.