Saturday I had been to college for only 2 reasons - to take some books from the library and pay my college fee. If I had some lively poems written on Gridlocked, then may be I would hav had another reason which would have been the most important one. But ther were only the 2 reasons - as clear as I know. No question about that.
Later in the evening on Saturday, when I came to know that the reason that would have stopped me from writing those poems on Gridlocked is at the place I had been before reaching the bus stand, I grew a little uncomfortable with yet another reason I am not clear with. Infact I am happy that I am unclear with it. Then later in the night I had a chat with my friend and may be if I had not had that chat, I would have spent Sunday feeling the same way - obfuscated. There was no concrete that was talked about, but it was just the sharing of how I was feeling that made me better.
Sunday evening I had to attend 2 functions. I spent less than 5 minutes at one of them and more than 5 hours at the other. It was my cousin sister's pre-marriage ceremony kind of thing and we all had a lot of time enjoying. I was amazing and though I expected myself to forget something, it was still there with me - though not visible on my face. I was fine. :)
The party finally ended at 3:30 am and I reached home a little before 4. I slept at 5 and woke up at 1 pm. I had stayed at my cousin's residence so I didn't go to the college. In the evening, wiht my cousins, I enjoyed making a spoof of a famous hindi song. It is a 4 and a half minute video we shot and after my cousing edits it, he will post it on the internet. I won't be ther on the screen anywhere - I was somewhat like assisting my cousin who was with the camera and also giving some directions. I shouted a lot and my thought was aching for something after that. I am eagerly waiting for my cousin to do the final work. We will try to put it on Google Videos. If things work, I will put it on my blog too.
After coming home today, I was again what I should not be. I tried to keep some things away from me and I am fine. I feel too weired writing this, but I can't help - I am trying to be fank and I know it's of no use.
My cousin's marriage is on 3rd and reception on 6th. The reception is in Karimnagar. So maybe again on next Monday I may not be going to the college. I wish I never had to miss any day there, but it seems to be very important for me to attend the function.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Alcohol content
I came back from a wedding function at 12 mdnight and though I was feeling a little sleepy I thought i should take sometime and update the blog. The dinner was again everything minus chicken. It was not something I liked, eating mutton this way, everyday is boring. I do not understand what is stopping people from eating chicken. Anyways I was happy to meet all my cousins there, even my cousin who lives in Gulbarga is here so we had a good time.
On Monday I have a test in DBMS but today evening I came to tknow that I have to attend 2 functions on Sunday - the reception of today's marriage ceremony and my cousin sister's pre-marriage ceramony where it is expected that the party to go on the whole night. I do not know wat exactly I must be doing because my sir said we have to write the test. I better talk to him tomorrow.
Tomorrw I have quite a few things to do. I have take books from the library, pay my college fees and also buy some text books. I even plan to go to my aunt's house in the afternoon. I hope I do everything I intend to.
Today I went to te college late, I was feeling abit sleepy in th morning and I decided to be fresh when I am at the college. While shaving my beard I got a small cut below my chin. It was more painful when I applied the aftershave lotion. It was fine afterwards. I used the aftershave which was confusing me with some other smells and reminding me of something I was not able to recollect! So today I decided that I should use the liquid so that I may finally find out how that perfume was related to something that was coming into my mind - but not fully. It was a kind of torture to me for the first few hours but later I think I got to recollect what it was reminding me of. I got so manythings into my mind and one of it was that the smell resembles to the smell of some wine my father's friend likes. I had smelled it a long back, but it was very strong. Aftershaves hav a lot more alcohol content than wine. Then I also found that its the same smell of Old Spice Lime aftershave.
I got an e-mail from my cousin in Houston - he said my uncle may not be coming to India as decided earlier. My cousin himself plans to come here next summer when he is done with his graduates degree and with his admission into Medicine studies. God-willing.
On Monday I have a test in DBMS but today evening I came to tknow that I have to attend 2 functions on Sunday - the reception of today's marriage ceremony and my cousin sister's pre-marriage ceramony where it is expected that the party to go on the whole night. I do not know wat exactly I must be doing because my sir said we have to write the test. I better talk to him tomorrow.
Tomorrw I have quite a few things to do. I have take books from the library, pay my college fees and also buy some text books. I even plan to go to my aunt's house in the afternoon. I hope I do everything I intend to.
Today I went to te college late, I was feeling abit sleepy in th morning and I decided to be fresh when I am at the college. While shaving my beard I got a small cut below my chin. It was more painful when I applied the aftershave lotion. It was fine afterwards. I used the aftershave which was confusing me with some other smells and reminding me of something I was not able to recollect! So today I decided that I should use the liquid so that I may finally find out how that perfume was related to something that was coming into my mind - but not fully. It was a kind of torture to me for the first few hours but later I think I got to recollect what it was reminding me of. I got so manythings into my mind and one of it was that the smell resembles to the smell of some wine my father's friend likes. I had smelled it a long back, but it was very strong. Aftershaves hav a lot more alcohol content than wine. Then I also found that its the same smell of Old Spice Lime aftershave.
I got an e-mail from my cousin in Houston - he said my uncle may not be coming to India as decided earlier. My cousin himself plans to come here next summer when he is done with his graduates degree and with his admission into Medicine studies. God-willing.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
huh!
Yesterday I simply couldn't post anything as my internet connection was down. I had written 3 poems and even while I was writing them I knew I was never going to post them. I wrote 10 pages of poetry and that included several lined I had taken down after listening to many songs. I will very soon compile them to get some poems that sound nice to me.
Today my cousin who lives in Riyadh came to meet us. We will be meeting tomorrow again at a wedding party. It was nice to see him after ore than a year. On August 3rd one of my cousin sisters is getting married and may be even my uncle who lives in Houston would be present with us. I have also heard that my French uncle too would come but I have been hearing such kind of things for the past 2 years. May be he is on his way to India and it is taking him a lot of time!
After my cousin left after meeting us, I am feeling something very serious with myself. It has nothing to do with my cousin. I had my lunch at 7 pm so I don't even feel like having my dinner now. I had thought of studying something today but even that seems to be impossible given that I am preferring feeling over thinking. It has been rightly said - it is much more easier to feel than to think. Perhaps an early-to-bed action would make me fresh tomorrow morning. In the evening I had chats with 2 of my friends adn though they were short, I felt very nice. Moods swing too fast - I always hate calling it mood swing but it sounds precision. But i guess it must be something else and I also suppose that I know what it is. I long for something and still wish that I don't long for it ... %^#@ ... huh!
I arrived home at 7 in the evening - thats when I sat down to have by lunch.
Yesterday after writing one of the 3 peoms I felt that I can't be so transparent openly. I need to keep a few things to myself. The 10% - 90% - ice berg personality must be followed. The second and the third peoms were somewhat better in terms of cheer and I will edit them and make them sound rhyming before I post them. That will take a while or even more than just a while. Only one of the 3 peoms was perfectly rhyming.
There seems to be some problem with blogger.com that it doesn't puts my posts in a proper paragraphed way.
Today my cousin who lives in Riyadh came to meet us. We will be meeting tomorrow again at a wedding party. It was nice to see him after ore than a year. On August 3rd one of my cousin sisters is getting married and may be even my uncle who lives in Houston would be present with us. I have also heard that my French uncle too would come but I have been hearing such kind of things for the past 2 years. May be he is on his way to India and it is taking him a lot of time!
After my cousin left after meeting us, I am feeling something very serious with myself. It has nothing to do with my cousin. I had my lunch at 7 pm so I don't even feel like having my dinner now. I had thought of studying something today but even that seems to be impossible given that I am preferring feeling over thinking. It has been rightly said - it is much more easier to feel than to think. Perhaps an early-to-bed action would make me fresh tomorrow morning. In the evening I had chats with 2 of my friends adn though they were short, I felt very nice. Moods swing too fast - I always hate calling it mood swing but it sounds precision. But i guess it must be something else and I also suppose that I know what it is. I long for something and still wish that I don't long for it ... %^#@ ... huh!
I arrived home at 7 in the evening - thats when I sat down to have by lunch.
Yesterday after writing one of the 3 peoms I felt that I can't be so transparent openly. I need to keep a few things to myself. The 10% - 90% - ice berg personality must be followed. The second and the third peoms were somewhat better in terms of cheer and I will edit them and make them sound rhyming before I post them. That will take a while or even more than just a while. Only one of the 3 peoms was perfectly rhyming.
There seems to be some problem with blogger.com that it doesn't puts my posts in a proper paragraphed way.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The name sounds cool
Today I downloaded a host of small softwares relating to network cracking. I got to learn so much relatedto hacking and the softwares used to do it. It all seems so easy once the IP is masked. I couldn't find a fully finctional IP masking software. Once I get it I think I can try out a few exciting things on the internet. But while I was into one of these forums, I was already feeling guilty - though I was just reading about hacking. I will be learning about all this just for some curiosity and I shall never misuse what I learn. I fear God.
Presently I feel sleepy and also a little dizzy. I think I have mild fever and I know this is becaose I need some good sleep. I had a real hard time today evening after coming home - I kept myself awake.
I wanted to write about something that happened because of which for the first time I may not be paying my college fees before time - I mean before atleast a week; it will be paid on time! ---
A month back my mother had planned to buy some jewellery and she asked my aunt, who was comming on her annual holiday to India from Mecca, to get some gold jewellery for her. My mother had planned to withdraw some of her savings and pay my aunt when she arrives here. But when the time came, my mother realised that withdrawing money this month would make her loose some amount because of taxes (income exceeding a limit in a month) and something related to maturing of her deposits. My father has very little knowledge about it so he never comes into picture. So the only ready cash available was my college fee. I had lots of time for it to be paid so the money was used along with another equal amount for gold jewelry.
Something like this has happened before but that didn't effect anything. Some rules by the government simply don't favor middle-class people who have most of their savings in banks. Even FDs attract tax. Sometimes, like the present instance, even with lots of money in the bank, people are left with no liquidity - no cash in hands. I do not really know how all this works, but all I knwo is that I am paying my fees late (just on time), and this is not because of any fancy jewelry that was bought, but because of some hard government regulations.
This little irritation will be ther with my mother till 28th of this month. It looks amazing that she will again become what she was untill a few weeks back - a kind of millionare (in rupees ... lol). The name souonds cool. Indian Government sounds frustrating.
Presently I feel sleepy and also a little dizzy. I think I have mild fever and I know this is becaose I need some good sleep. I had a real hard time today evening after coming home - I kept myself awake.
I wanted to write about something that happened because of which for the first time I may not be paying my college fees before time - I mean before atleast a week; it will be paid on time! ---
A month back my mother had planned to buy some jewellery and she asked my aunt, who was comming on her annual holiday to India from Mecca, to get some gold jewellery for her. My mother had planned to withdraw some of her savings and pay my aunt when she arrives here. But when the time came, my mother realised that withdrawing money this month would make her loose some amount because of taxes (income exceeding a limit in a month) and something related to maturing of her deposits. My father has very little knowledge about it so he never comes into picture. So the only ready cash available was my college fee. I had lots of time for it to be paid so the money was used along with another equal amount for gold jewelry.
Something like this has happened before but that didn't effect anything. Some rules by the government simply don't favor middle-class people who have most of their savings in banks. Even FDs attract tax. Sometimes, like the present instance, even with lots of money in the bank, people are left with no liquidity - no cash in hands. I do not really know how all this works, but all I knwo is that I am paying my fees late (just on time), and this is not because of any fancy jewelry that was bought, but because of some hard government regulations.
This little irritation will be ther with my mother till 28th of this month. It looks amazing that she will again become what she was untill a few weeks back - a kind of millionare (in rupees ... lol). The name souonds cool. Indian Government sounds frustrating.
Monday, July 24, 2006
My Dream - again!
Today, while standing at the bus stop, I told my friend that I have a good topic to write on today. He said he was about to tell me the same.
It was around 1:30 pm at that time and earlier I the day we had been to Durgam Cheruvu, Hi-Tech city and a bakery. We had a great time together along with another friend. We sat for a long time on a wall overlooking the lake and we spoke on topics like dreams and future and blah blah. It was important actually. Then I finally told them both about a final dream I have. It took me 2 years to tell them what exactly I want. There are 2 things I want and both of them have been termed as foolish by my parents. When I told about the first thing to my father, he said only mad people do it – I want my father to call me mad for that reason one day. My mother called those people who do the second thing as fools – I want my mother to call me a fool one day.
But these are not my dreams. I want these two things. There may be something more even beyond this but at the present moment I put the 2 as a desire. My dream takes me to an end. When I am going to die, if I am conscious just before dying, and if I have not achieved those 2 things, then I will pity myself, curse myself, regret not being a successful person, feel sorry for myself, hate myself and call myself a looser. I will die unhappily if I don’t achieve these 2 things. My dream is that I die happily.
At Hi-tech city I had a closer look at the new materials that are now being used for construction in Hyderabad. Steel, concrete and glass have always excited me but after I read ‘The Fountainhead’, the excitement turned bigger. I was of no much concern for who works in those buildings there, I was more interested in when I will be getting … no I should not complete this.
I didn’t mention that today I had a holiday and I went to the college though I knew nobody was going to come. I just had 2 of my friends with me. I somehow sneaked into the college to have a look at the place with nobody around. It was the same – I didn’t expect it to be different!!! No big deal.
It was around 1:30 pm at that time and earlier I the day we had been to Durgam Cheruvu, Hi-Tech city and a bakery. We had a great time together along with another friend. We sat for a long time on a wall overlooking the lake and we spoke on topics like dreams and future and blah blah. It was important actually. Then I finally told them both about a final dream I have. It took me 2 years to tell them what exactly I want. There are 2 things I want and both of them have been termed as foolish by my parents. When I told about the first thing to my father, he said only mad people do it – I want my father to call me mad for that reason one day. My mother called those people who do the second thing as fools – I want my mother to call me a fool one day.
But these are not my dreams. I want these two things. There may be something more even beyond this but at the present moment I put the 2 as a desire. My dream takes me to an end. When I am going to die, if I am conscious just before dying, and if I have not achieved those 2 things, then I will pity myself, curse myself, regret not being a successful person, feel sorry for myself, hate myself and call myself a looser. I will die unhappily if I don’t achieve these 2 things. My dream is that I die happily.
At Hi-tech city I had a closer look at the new materials that are now being used for construction in Hyderabad. Steel, concrete and glass have always excited me but after I read ‘The Fountainhead’, the excitement turned bigger. I was of no much concern for who works in those buildings there, I was more interested in when I will be getting … no I should not complete this.
I didn’t mention that today I had a holiday and I went to the college though I knew nobody was going to come. I just had 2 of my friends with me. I somehow sneaked into the college to have a look at the place with nobody around. It was the same – I didn’t expect it to be different!!! No big deal.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
HUNDRED
In the evening I had been to a local exhibition named as a trade fare. It was very small and only the rides were interesting. My cousin was with us and we had a good time. I bugged him a lot. Later after comin home he sat with me watching everything I was doing on the internet. Earlier he even created a blog for himself. http://hamzza.blogspot.com
This post on my blog is the 100th. Frankly speaking I feel nothing with it. It is just another post on a yet another day. Yesterday I had forgotten to do it else that itself would have been the 100th one.
I had planned to write a poem today but really didn't get the right kind of inspiration. I plan to take stanzas from various song I have listned to and put it as a single one that touches me. Something like a compilation of all the nice lines I have heard in a poetic form. I hope it works nice. I even have to complete writing a few posts i had decided previously.
This post on my blog is the 100th. Frankly speaking I feel nothing with it. It is just another post on a yet another day. Yesterday I had forgotten to do it else that itself would have been the 100th one.
I had planned to write a poem today but really didn't get the right kind of inspiration. I plan to take stanzas from various song I have listned to and put it as a single one that touches me. Something like a compilation of all the nice lines I have heard in a poetic form. I hope it works nice. I even have to complete writing a few posts i had decided previously.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Nothing bad and wrong though!
Today I let out the letter to another friend of mine. I am still trying to understand if I should hav really written all that. It was not rubbish. Even the previous one wasn't. This letter will be private - no one will read it without my knowledge!
Except for a harsh and loud shout by our DBMS lecturer, I don't remember anything remarkable for today. He shouted and asked us all to leave the class immidiately as the person wo had given someone's proxy attendence come up with his confession. No comments on this. He was staring towards me when he shouted.
Today we were told about some internship opportunity for us by our head. This thing simply gave me some tension - I will feel guilty if I don't give it my 100%, and if I try for something and if I loose, it will hurt me. I didn't want to tell about this to my parents, but I did - I just can't hide from them; have already done so much till now :D nothing bad and wrong though!
Yesterday night I came back home at 12 midnight after attending my cousin's 3rd b'day. It was ata restaurant and I met almost all of my paternal relatives who reside in India. I don't get to meet everybody at other functions b'cos it requires me to go into the ladies' (I hope this is the right spelling in the context), which I don't like! Yesterday we had common dining. Had a good time there aftet having talks on several thing with people I meet once in a while and hardly get a chance to interact - I sat with my cousin sister's husband, he was cool!
Except for a harsh and loud shout by our DBMS lecturer, I don't remember anything remarkable for today. He shouted and asked us all to leave the class immidiately as the person wo had given someone's proxy attendence come up with his confession. No comments on this. He was staring towards me when he shouted.
Today we were told about some internship opportunity for us by our head. This thing simply gave me some tension - I will feel guilty if I don't give it my 100%, and if I try for something and if I loose, it will hurt me. I didn't want to tell about this to my parents, but I did - I just can't hide from them; have already done so much till now :D nothing bad and wrong though!
Yesterday night I came back home at 12 midnight after attending my cousin's 3rd b'day. It was ata restaurant and I met almost all of my paternal relatives who reside in India. I don't get to meet everybody at other functions b'cos it requires me to go into the ladies' (I hope this is the right spelling in the context), which I don't like! Yesterday we had common dining. Had a good time there aftet having talks on several thing with people I meet once in a while and hardly get a chance to interact - I sat with my cousin sister's husband, he was cool!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Alertness
Today I have to attend my cousin's b'day at a restaurant and this is the 2nd function I will be attending this week. The previous one was on Monday which was my cousin sister's engagement kind of thing. It was around 23 kilometers from my house and by the time I was back home it was 1:20 am. It was actually a bit early that I had expected! We didn't stay till the end of the function there.
Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.
Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.
Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.
I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.
Tuesday at teh college we were made to attend a lecture by an old student of our college who spoke about an MS in US. He also made us au fait with some concepts of network security. It was interesting.
Today we had to attend a seminar on Cyber Safetly. It was ok being there.
Today I also found that I am loosing some alertness in me. I have been observing this since long and today when I saw something, a box, fully decorated with packing-paper kept a little far from my house's door upsatairs, I didn't feel anything to go and find out what it was. I just saw it and closed the door. It was father who later who asked me to check if there was something on the stairs. It was a box of sweets left by my cousin today when he visited our house when we were not there. I need to stop myself from being preoccupied.
I missed out a few things I had wanted to write in the last 2-3 days. The reason being the inaccessibility of blogs in India. I didn't know that there was still a possibility to access them though they have been blocked.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
#%&^@#
My cousin brother who lives in London came here to meet us today. He is here after a gap of almost 3 years and it was such a nice feeling to see him again. He will be leaving in the 1st week of August. We all are insisting that he gets married soon and I do not know what exactly he is going to decide. Everybody seems to be in a casual mood and he said he will get married along with me 'in the same "mandap"'. This is exactly how he said. He will go back to London and will start a business of his own - a college. I wish him good luck. He has alwyas been a close cousin to me and he was the first person who took me to an English movie in a theatre. It was 'Silence of the Lambs'. It was remade in Hindi as "Sangharsh".
Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .
I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.
Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.
Since yesterday afternoon all the blogspot domains have been blocked by all Indian ISPs on the orders of the Indian Governament. #%&^@# I do not understand how they can be so naive and unclear of what they are doing. I have more than 200 posts spread over all my blogsand they have been blocked from public viewing - very bad. But even this didn't seem to perturb me except for the '#%&^@#' I have used :D .
I had better days at the college. I even buncked 2 classes today. Actually went late in the morning - I woke up late. Then in the evening I simply didn't feel like attending the class.
Today I finally finished writing a letter I was playing with for so long. It was a lengthy musing and I do not know how I am going to share this thing with. I even have no idea about who all is going to read it. But all my close friends will definitely do. One of the, I suppose, has read it by now.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
'Senti-less-mental-more'!
Yesterday I didn't write anything much so I thought of updating early today.
Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.
We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!
Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!
I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.
I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.
I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!
I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.
Friday night I slept late - 2 am in the morning. I went to bed at this time and I have no idea when exactly I got sleep. I woke up at 8:15 am and left for college with a friend. There at the college I had to do some paper work for the re-evaluation forms' submission and we reached Osmania University around 1:30 pm. We had to wait in a long queue and it took a couple of hours before we could submit the forms of 11 people we had brought with us.
We even had to submit a form with no college stamp on it. No comments from my side on that!
Then we went to a friend's house who lives near by. After spending some time there I asked a friend to drop me at Koti from where I took a bus for my grandparents' house. I did something silly here. Yesterday in the morning I had taken my new bus pass and I had forgotten about that - I bought a ticket when I boarded the bus!
I slept at 3:15 am in the morning and woke up finally at 12 noon. Then I had a heavy breakfast just before switching on the computer.
I am feeling terrible since yeaterday night. I am trying to keep myself peaceful and reminding myself of the option of always being happy but this time around it is not working. Everything seems to hurt me - the news in the news paper, the sound of somebody knocking at the door, the telephone bell ringing, my clothes I had to arrange, some files on my computer, ... they all seem distorted but they do remind me of some thing else.
I do not understand why I can't make myself believe in anyting to its finality. I am ridiculous in every thought I ponder upon and I need to change. I need to understand that matrity also means not having any mood swings and always being consistent. I have no idea if I am the only one with these thing in my mind. When I think about it, I really feel lonely supposing that it is only me who has such kind of perceptions and feelings. I really hope I am a fool so that I can pray to God for wisdom and set myself right. But if it is not fooloshness, then I do not know what to ask God for. I do not know exactly what I need to have or what I need to lose. I can pray for happiness but I still there is something more missing. It is something else that I had wanted and it is the exactly opposite of that. May be I am very unclar with what I am writing here ... that is how I am presently - unclear and obscure. Untill a few days my online chats used to be lively, now I many time don't feel like being visible and whe I chat with anyone, I end up being too touchy ... one of my friends has given a good explanation - 'senti-less-mental-more'!
I know I don't use any names on my blogs directly or even indirectly but I have to keep some things that way. I will never use any names - at least soemthing out of hand happens and compells me to.
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