Its so easy to irritate ppl... but so difficult to please their hearts

Today was a different day for me. It started late though and I spent a lot of time reading a novel, I thought of several things, in finer detail, about points that have been ringing in my mind. To start with I’d like to write out a few points. There is a lot of explanation to make them crystal clear and God-willing I shall do it very soon and put it on Flowing Emotions.

# I have a very big ego that drives me. I approve very part of it in a way that helps me to become a better person.
# People desperately want leaders. They want someone who guides them and takes all the responsibility especially of the mistakes they commit.
# It is a very important trait to understand people. It is important to know what they are – to help them, nurture them, enlarge them and make them independent. All this is to connect with them. Understanding people, or the necessity to do so is everywhere – the adverts we see on the television are made in such a way that they please people and this happens when people are understood. This is just a small example. If understanding of people is taken as a crime then I don’t think anybody will have a right to roam around freely. Every person, right from a novelist to an evangelist, will be imprisoned. Just for understanding people.
# People are weak and they do not know what they want unless they see it. No one would have asked for love unless he/she had felt it at least once.
# Having integrity with people is most important, else everything done with them is short lasting and it amounts for manipulation and fraud. It is a sin to manipulate people. # Understanding is a 2 way process. The intention is to connect with them. People can be the biggest achievement or the biggest liability. The 2 way process gets them close to each other and makes them help and use each other in an equal way with integrity.
# To hurt a person is much worse than hurting our self.
# The most beautiful things in the world are the most useless ones. Lilies and peacocks for instant (I remember reading this as a quote somewhere). According to me Dominique Frankon in The Fountainhead too is useless except for her presence I in the story (I say this after reading just the part I have read till now. Its just an understanding).
# Selfishness is a virtue. Its better that people understand its true meaning – dictionaries have it. My blog has a few details on this. I am selfish and I know this is how I should be.
# People hate others usually for reasons unknown to themselves unless the person being hated is really at fault. It is some times because of jealousy. They fail to understand that its not actually hatred but jealousy. I think it is very good to declare openly that we are jealous of any person if we really are. This helps in having integrity with them. (When I say people, I am included in them)
# I shall never cheat a person. Even if I do anything that may hav a slight meaning of cheating him/her, I should make that person aware of it.

So many times I feel like making myself as open as the vast seas so that people know everything about me. Especially the fact that some of them think I manipulate them. I want to be clearer then mirrors. Mirrors are not clear at all - when I look into them I see myself. Every single thing that I hide burns inside me and hurts me more than any physical pain. Its the guilt that makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I could explain everything about me to everyone. I know most of them won’t be interested as they are never expected to be – but I want every person who thinks anything bad about me to know how much it hurts me to find anything bad inside me. But I also know I cant explain things to anyone who is ready to hear it. Language comes between communication. My not-so-good language stops me from being more transparent. I can’t put into words everything I want to say. But if I connect with people at an emotional level, this becomes possible.

To start with, what all I have written in ‘My Perception of My Own Life’ is very much true. What I had written in ‘I Am NOT Mentally Vulnerable’ is a bitter truth. What I had written in ‘My Humble Prayer to My God’ is one thing I shall always continue with. I mean every single part of all that.

I want every person who knows me to read this post but I know this is not going to happen. They won’t be interested. It is so obvious. And I respect them for this. I will be the same if I am in their place. But they will acquire so much interest in any talk about me they may happen to have; about the bad qualities in me. But they will never come to me and tell met that I need to correct myself. Any person who says I have faults openly to me is the person who cares for me. I shall write in detail on all this sometime later when I feel that I have understood enough to make others understand.

I sincerely hope I am not called as a maniac or a psycho for writing these things here (there is more to it actually). This may be madness though. I believe I can achieve nothing until I really get mad at it. All this is just a transition.

The book that will help me with a better understanding of people will be Personality Plus. It will tell how to classify people to understand them. The full name of the book is “Personality Plus: Understanding Others by Understanding Yourself”. SO I hope this name says a lot too. Actually this understanding thing is very important for people involved in network marketing – my uncle (connected to Amways) is into it and I have learnt a lot from him.

And regarding to my writing thing, I now fully understand how important it is to review what I have written. It is necessary that I edit the complete paragraphs until I really want something good. I shall start doing this to all my posts on Flowing Emotions shortly. I am presently after a few books – I have to complete them in a short time.

Ha

Few days back my mother said that I needed a 2nd almairah. She said it was necessary. I didn't knew that. But because she said, I agreed to have a new one. So, I got a new one today - a large double sided one. I won't be sharing any part of this with my brother as I used to do with the previous one which was much bigger.

While getting that thing inside my room, I got my little finger hurt. I bleed a little and there is a dark red clot now. When the wound was very fresh and was aching a lot, I thought it'd continue for long. It didn't. I feel nothing now.

Our tenants made a mess out of themselves today. They had not paid the electricity bill for the last 3 months and as obvious it seems to be, their connection was cut by the department people. These tenants said they had forgotten that they had to pay the bills. The most amusing part was the climax - they went to the department office, paid some money to some people there and got back the connection without paying the bills. I am sure dad is going to look into this matter tomorrow. I will just be a silent spectator.

I am still left with the arranging of my old books. Today I had to move a table on which I was stacking them. The books and papers include the ones from my first year of engineering - more than a year old now. I even have to arrange my clothes. I even have to fix my music system - some screw in the disc loader had come out a few days back and it is working just standing the weight of the CD. I even have some letters to post - there is a post box nearby but it looks like a trash box hanging on the trunk of a huge tree, so I will go somewhere else. I also have to take the print-outs of my last story and change it in a way that looks good to me - polishing I mean. I will complete all of them tomorrow.

Today I cleaned 21Gb of space from my computer. It was amazing to find that the disk cleaning utilty did the major part of it. I am planning of a standard restoration of my computer. There is a built-in feature that automatically formats the hard drive and reinstalls the operating system and also the softwares that were shipped along with the system when I had first bought it. It will erase all the data created by me so I have find out ways to back it up. I hope everything works the way I want it to.

The last 2 hours I have spent were making me feel like crying for everything, though I didn't do that till now. It is one of those times when you feel like weeping for everything. Even the things that make you smile otherwise look so innocent that you feel like crying for them. The only reason that they are innocent. Even a simple pen lying on the desk has so many memories attached to it ... I have been using this pen for the past 7 days and it is supposed to have nothing related to it except for some scrap I have written and a few phone numbers, but it seems as thought it has bacome an integral part of my table and I can't live without it. The same is the case with everything I am seeing for the past 2 hours. I know this is temporary and in a few days the pen will be thrown away by none other than me and I am going to laugh at myself for crying for such a stupid thing. Right now I am trying not to think about any kind of past. I always have in mind the options concept so everytime I feel bad about anything I know I am commiting a destruction onto myself..... :D

I woke up at 12 today. It was a sleep that was to be paid in due of what I mortgaged on Sunday night. I had my first meal at 2:45 pm and the second at 7:15 pm. My dinner got over just sometime back.

I have taken this pic because it made me feel something too. I couldn't define that something else I'd have written it.

Could have been better

It was around 3:15 am when I posted the story, 'Humilis and Purpa' on Flowing Emotions. When I read it first after writing I was pretty satisfied with the way I had worked it out but after rereading it in the evening today I felt I missed on several things. The basic element I wanted to do was to make the readers clearly visualise the location of the story. But when I read it I couldn't imagine things for myself. I am satisfied but I guess if I edit it a little then it can be much better.

This was the first time I spent so much time just to plan the story. The first thing I wanted was the right pictures which I didn't get. Though I came out with something close to what I wanted, I'd have prefered something more mesmerising. I searched in Google Images for more than an hour. But before that I had to decide the color of the flower, and the names of both the characters. Wikipedia was quite helpful with all this. I also had to study the seasons and the changes they bring in. A little more about flowers and clouds was also somthing I learnt though it wasn't necessary. I tried my best not to include any thing which would be directly concerned with humans ... I wanted to have something where there would be no such thing as human except the concept of 'heart' and love. I suppose I was successful with this.

Today I didn't do anything much worthy to be written here. Though I woke up early I slept a lot during daytime. I didn't get to chat online with anyone today except for short versions with a cousin. In the evening my parents and my brother went for shopping and I stayed at home. The dinner, as today is a Sunday, was from outside and just a few minutes I had a mango.

My yahoo messenger is creating problems again. I do not understand why Yahoo people always have some little problem with all their versions of their messengers. Trillian is wonderful and it requires no messenger, it is so convenient to use too. The other messengers I use, MSN and Google Talk, are perfect though the features are limited. Even www.e-messenger.net is fine.

I have updated The Technology Blog and News and Opinions.

First Ambivalent then Cool

Today was my friend's birthday. Yesterday though I was online and chatting with him I forgot to wish him. It was only when another friend reminded me that I wished him and the way I did it was a new one: I started the foto sharing feature in yahoo messenger and sent him a pic with the words "oops I forgot", then I followed it with sending many pics with birthday wishes on them.

We met today and it was good; but because of a friend who is a bit unhappy with this birthday guy, I was confused. I called him at an 'In' without informing him anything about the birthday thing and the b'day boy's presence. So, later I had to do a lot to get things right. We both then had a good time at Hyderabad Central and the initial anger bacame history.

I left for my grandparents' house from HC and came back home at 8:30 pm. Now, after my dinner I will get on to work for a post on Flowing Emotions. I am bit afraid to start with this as it will be a kind of fiction. Though there isn't much story in that, I am sure I will make it feel like one.

A cup of tea beside my keyboard

I had a friend at my house and it was good that we spent some time. Tomorrow his father is expectd to arrive from abroad and he will start his annual hibernation ... the kind that makes him a little cut off from his friends and keeps him glued to his house ... just to make his father believe that this is how he is always.

I did absolutely nothing today. I didn't even touch the newspapers. They were lying on the floor, left that way by my brother as the were soaked in water. The person who supplies the paper had thrown it into a water puddle. Though it is dry now, it looks like an old one and I didn't feel like reading it. Even my father has no interest in it today.

Just a little while ago (its 8:13pm now) my mom kept a cup of tea on my table and I was wondering if I could complete this post till it gets cold enough for me to drink. The warmth or hotness of tea or coffee I like depends on my mood. But I don't know how! But I usually prefer coffee as cold.

I couldn't read any book today, but I will definitely do a bit of reading before sleeping. And my daily solving of sudoku was lost somewhere and I will start it again from today. I even want to update Flowing Emotions today but I am not sure if I can pull off another thing.

I am working on my 8th blog and this will be one that will require regular updates. I will be writing my views on the international and national news. I have subscribed to the feed of NY Times and this thing is working beautifully. Just that the content is not the way I want it to be. I will get the right things shortly. The page is http://xubayr7.blogspot.com .

And yes I am aware that my other blogs too need updates and I will get with them soon. :)

Quite a lot happening

As already known, I had a terrible head ache yesterday evening. I had been to a friend's house which is more than 2 hours from my house. Yeah, thats the way I measure it.

I sometimes liek having a head ache. It gives me a chance to experimention a few expressions. These facial expressions create a lot of difference the pain makes me feel. They help me relax and yet allow the pain to be there so that my relaxation is more pleasurable. It creates a different feeling when I frown my forehead and I different when I leave everyhting lose. Pressing my nose hard, squeezing my cheeks, rubbing my eyes, pressing my temple with fingures in circular motion, lying down sideways, lying down flat, and trying all these things - wow, I enjoy doing this. Though sometimes this helps reduce the pain, but the final treatment is usually a good sleep. Yesterday this was the only treatment.

At my friend's house yesterday we tried connecting his cell phone with his PC. Everything worked fine. By the time I was home it was 8:30 pm and as expected I didn't fine anybody waiting for me. My mother continues her talk on a small chore I couldn't do and later she thought of asking if I had fed myself with lunch during the daytime. Later she asked where I had been.

Today morning the fist thing I had was tea. I slept again. Our servant maid didn't come so I had some cleaning work to do. I was fine. It will be fine as long as it is asked once in a while and now daily. I wanted to write for the blogs today and I couldn't. The real reason was that I spent a lot of time reading The Fountainhead. I went for more than 60 pages today - almost at a streach. If I spend this much time on anyother book I could have completed more than 200 pages in the same time. But the time being spent here is worthy.

And yes, this present post is the fiftieth in succession. Though I did miss a few days I didn't know it was so easy to write a daily journal. I do not know if it is easy to read it too.

Tomorrow Morning ....

I have a terrible head ache now. Took aspirin but of no help.... had a tiring day today. I will get back at it tomorrow.

Howard Roark ... wow

My continuation with The Fountainhead is getting more and more absorbing. Today I felt a wish for not parting with that book. But I had to ... I have 2 lives - online and offline - and I have to play fair with both of them. But the story is really a great one - it is definitely worth spending a lot of time with. And it is not like anyother book I can read and crash out. This book makes me think even after I close it. Unlike other books, the speed of my comprehension is very slow. I wnat it to be slow so that I can understand every sentence. This is just the 2nd book I am reading which is a fiction, I have read many other book but they were all non-fiction type. The other novel I had read was "The Doomsday Conspiracy". That was way back in 2003. After completing the 2 books I am presently reading, I plan to read The Da Vinci Code. The only reason being the english used in it by the author. I have no much interest in the story. But I know it will be long before I get on to that book. I have to read Personality Plus too. Ah... there is so much left!

Anyways I thought, while starting writing this update, about telling something but I guess I will say it now. I sat down to write today's update at 8 pm. I started writing something and continued till I felt that the thing I was writing about was a better topic for Flowing Emotions. So I stopped all the work, opened MS-Word and started with the topic there. I kept it short for the reason that I don't write a bauble. The topic was small, so the write-up had to be short. And yes ... whatever I write for all my blogs other than this one I do it on MS-Word (I am waiting for the one of that type from Google), and for this space I directly type it onto the feature provided in my account itself. MS-Word corrects my spellings, and here that thing is not possible. So, sometimes if I don't review what I have written, many mistakes creep into the text.

And I am still wondering what I am doing with my 'writing' thing!

I am losing my productivity ... I want to do so much

Yesterday evening it was again great spending some time outside with my relatives around. The reception too was wonderful with great food. I got to meet some distant relatives too and had some good interaction with a couple of them. Always feels great to meet my people.

After I came back I again spent some time on the internet. But I went to bed a bit early, at 12:30 am. That was not all yesterday. I remember being awake till 2 am. I don't know, I just didn't feel like sleeping.... I kept myself lying in the dark thinking and thinking and not sleeping. I woke up at 4:20 am again ... I wanted to perform the morning prayers but got into a deep sleep to wake up at 9. I again slept for sometime in the afternoon.

I don't want to sleep so much. I want to read and write so many things. I am just not getting the right kind of motivation and the reason to do so. Being at home with nobody asking for me is like the sun standing in the center of the solar system and yet being alone. (this thing has a lot of depth in it, hope I am NOT clear!!!)

I have come up with many topics and I want to put them in words. I know that once I start writing it won't be a task anymore and after I complete writing I will wonder how easy it was. A start is all I need.

Looking back, in retrospect, a few memories ... I am still fighting'em. The more I feel myself alone, the much worse it gets. I used to have someone with me when even I used to feel alone, now I find only me and my shadow that refuses to fade even in the dark. Anyways I hope I enjoy this too. It is just a matter of time before things change. Life moves on and I shall spearhead that movement into the direction commanded by my free will.

I will be a bit busy for the next 3 days ... friends of course. I am looking forward to this.

Yess...

That Friday evening I completed the burning of a few CDs and DVDs. I was so glad to know that a DVD having .dat files burned on it, as we do for a data disk, works perfectly well on a DVD player. Previously I tried so many things to cram 2 movies into one DVD. After being converted into DVD format (VBO sumthing), a single movie of 3 CDs (approx. 1.9 GB). was working around 5.3 GB. In this way there was no chance of putting even one movie into a single-layered DVD of 4.7 GB. (Then I understood that the ones we get in the market are actually dual-layered ones. )
Then I tried compressing that movie in DVD format to reduce size but that was lessening the quality of the picture. So again I had to do something that would keep up the quality and also let me have 2 movies in one DVD. I tried finding the right method on many forums on the internet. I asked about this on Yahoo Answers. But in vain. I got answers asking me to get some converters. When I asked if a DVD with .dat files on it works on a DVD player, I was hit by answers like "Are you an idiot, how will it work?" and "No, it won't". But I still wanted to take a chance as a friend had said that it may work. I tried and it did. I never thought it would be so easy. I, along with my friend, downloaded hundreds of MBs of softwares and installed 10s of them. All were simply useless. But the only thing was that I got to learn so many things. And I am very happy for that.

I was at my grandparents' place even on Saturday but went to a friend's house in the after noon, and spent a lot of time there. Later in the evening I had attend a wedding party and came back home at 12 in the night.

Dr. Zakir Naik is in Hyderabad and I wanted to attend his public meetings. I couldn't go yesterday as I had that function to attend and I will not be going there even today as I have another function to attend.

Today I woke up at 9 am, had some tea and slept again. Then I received a call at 11:30 am from a friend who asked me to get ready instantly. He said that another friend of mine would pick me up in a few minutes. I took 30 minutes and after sometime we were at Eat Street, Necklace Road. After spending sometime there we left for King & Cardinal (I hope I am spelling it correctly). After having some snacks there we went to a couple of theatres to try our luck with any of the movies. There were several opinions and the time was short so we ended up at Big Bazaar, MPM Mall. We split after that and I was back home around 4:30 pm in the evening. Later I slept.