I still didn't feel like writing but finally thought of putting a few lines. I went to the college today but left early - at 1 pm. I went to my grandmother's house. Yesterday morning my uncle - mother's brother - arrived here from Saudi Arabia. He wanted me to stay with him in the night but I had to go to the college and so, I didn't. Today I was with him in the afternoon and evening. He may not be going back to Saudi. He will stay with my grandmother.
I have several thoughts in my mind. I have seen and experienced so much in the last few days. I have learned so much and did things I never wanted to do and was afraid was. I want to put them all in words but I am confused if I should really do it. It's all about my grandfather. Right from the morning of Saturday till today evening.
Alhamdulillah things are better now. I have seen how it is human for us to find small happiness even when the atmosphere is filled with the air of sadness. It is like alternating between smiles and tears. I have seen tears roll down from my eyes even when I wasn't thinking anything about my grandfather. I didn't cry the way others did, but I need to break open and relieve myself. I am still shocked. Life won't be the same from now on.
Whenever I was at my grandparents' house I was used to having so many constraints on me. There were so many things I wasn't supposed to do without taking my grandfather's permission. Not just me but everybody else. Now there is nobody to stop. I felt guilt so many times moving things in my grandfather's room because nobody ever had the chance to move anything from it's place unless he had asked for it. He is no more there to stop anybody.
We have no authority above us now - the authority which we all loved; which I had felt and lived with for more than 20 years. The last day of the Islamic calender took him away from us. I still have a feeling that he is there, somewhere, in the house, with us, yet silent. He hasn't left. I need time to believe that.
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